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Chicks dig the car.

With all due respect to the late great John Paul II, I’d like to suggest we all move forward and start thinking about the future of the world’s major Christian sect. Accordingly, I would like to officially announce my candidacy for the Chair of Saint Peter.

I realize there may be some roadblocks in my campaign. For example, I support birth control, only speak one language fluently, and don’t believe homosexuality is an abomination punishable by hellfire. Most importantly, I’m not even Catholic. That might be a problem.

But how hard can it be? I know I could do better than Pope John XII, a guy who once toasted the devil and began centuries of church/state corruption when he awarded Otto the Great the Imperial title of Holy Roman Emperor. How about Pope Stephen VII? He had the corpse of Pope Formosus–his predecessor–exhumed, clad in papal vestments, propped up on a chair, put on trial, and then mutilated and thrown into the River Tiber! Or Pope Pius XII. Remember that guy? He’s the one who inexplicably remained silent while 6 million Jews were butchered during the Holocaust.

Not to diminish what Pope John Paul II achieved. There’s no denying the positive impact the Pope had on millions of people, both politically and personally. As the continuous media cycle has reminded us in the last couple of days, Pope John Paul II probably deserves as much credit as Reagan for toppling the Soviet Union. His selfless work for peace speaks for itself, and stories of his compassion during the second World War are the stuff of legend.

I’m just sayin’…

Let’s face it–John Paul II notwithstanding, the standard set by the Popes throughout history is pretty low. I think I could pull it off. C’mon. I look damned good in white! There’s got to be some sort of loophole to get me into the conclave next week. Seriously, Catholic folks! You want to bring the church into the 21st century? Vote Hermann the Malevolent! Sick of Friday fish fries during Lent? Vote Hermann! Ladies, don’t feel like having 18 children? Vote Hermann! Want your local priests to stop leering at your sons? Vote Hermann! Hate Latin? Hermann’s your man!

“His Malevolence, Pope Hermann the Innocent I”. Has a nice ring to it, if you ask me.