July 31, 2005

Germanfest

My father and I stopped by Germanfest this afternoon. We both expected a day filled with fine German foods, beers, and cultural activities.

Well, two out of three ain't bad - I guess. What the hell is Germanfest without German beer?!? Apparently, Sprecher and Miller took it upon themselves to pressure Germanfest into banning any and all imported German beer sales. Nothing against Sprecher - it's a quality brewery - but c'mon! I wanted some ice cold brews straight out of the Fatherland! Thanks a lot, assholes.

My favorite moment? Read on...

At one of the geneology stands, I got into a long conversation with an elderly German man with a thick accent and a motherlode of historical Prussian information. While he was talking about the unification and resultant military expansion of German territories during the old imperial days, he would occasionally look at me and use a variation of the following phrase:

"These territories, of course, veren't German to begin vith, but you know, you know...(wink wink, smile smile, nudge nudge)"

Hilarious. Nice to see the old spirit of empire is still alive and well in those crazy ol' coots.

July 27, 2005

"I sealed your partner's fate."

Hats off to Big Brother 6 contestant Kaysar Ridha - quite possibly the smartest player in the show's six-year history.

Go get 'em, King Kaysar.

July 21, 2005

The Final Frontier

As a boy, I was a big fan of the old Star Trek ensemble. Sadly, James Doohan, the actor who played the beloved character "Scotty", died yesterday of complications stemming from pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease. He was 85.

What most people don't know about Doohan is that he was, indeed, a real-life hero. As a young lieutenant in the 3rd Canadian Infantry Division, Doohan killed two enemy snipers while leading his unit through a mine field on the beaches of Normandy during D-Day. Later that night, Doohan suffered six hits from a German machine gun, losing a finger in the process. Regardless, Doohan chose to remain in the military.

Rest in peace, Scotty. We'll miss ya'.

July 16, 2005

Don't boo Monty.

I can't believe I'm saying this - in fact, my fingers are fighting me as I type - but I'm actually kinda' rooting for Colin Montgomerie to finally win his home tournament, the British Open, this year. Nothing against our guy Tiger Woods - it's nice to see he's got his groove back.

But come on! Monty's been pursuing the Claret Jug for years, and it'd be nice to see him avoid the Big Choke this weekend, for once. These British fans have been absolutely fantastic. At this moment, Monty is 2 shots behind Woods after 11 holes of play, and it looks like he just drove left into some trouble.

Git 'er done, you crotchety ol' coot.

July 14, 2005

The Cult of the Offensive

It's a very special day for all of us here at The Ems Dispatch...

Exactly 135 years ago today, an item appeared in newspapers around the world that would forever change the political landscape of Europe. The article detailed a meeting involving French ambassador Count Vincent Benedetti and King Wilhelm of Prussia. The previous day, these two men had met in a beautiful resort town on the River Lahn in western Prussia to negotiate a peaceful solution to a potentially volatile international situation. The issue at hand was an offer made by the provisional Spanish government to Leopold Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen, a German prince. This offer gave Leopold the right to assume the vacant Spanish throne - a state of affairs the French deemed absolutely unacceptable.

Historically, the primary objective of the French, when dealing with the Germanies, was a politically decentralized and geographically fragmented German realm, incapable of westward expansion. Even at the height of the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation, France maintained its officious policy of political manipulation, often at the expense of the German peasantry, and watched with glee as the individual states and principalities within the Empire suffered for centuries in their role as Europe's stomping ground. The bad blood between the two bitter rivals hit its zenith in the early 1800's, when the legendary Napoleon I decisively crushed the thousand-year reign of the old Reich. Desperate to maintain some degree of imperial power, the House of Habsburg permanently relinquished its authority over the northern states and declared the formation of the Austrian Empire, while the humiliated Germans could only watch helplessly as their loose confederation of territories once again unraveled into oblivion.

The emergence of Otto von Bismarck and the Prussian state in the late 1800's signaled the birth of a new era for the Germans. Bismarck was a master political strategist who knew how to exploit an opportunity when he saw one. One such event was the aforementioned Spanish offer of their vacant throne to German prince Leopold - King Wilhelm's cousin, no less - in the summer of 1870. France immediately objected upon hearing the news. A German monarch on two borders was a terrifying prospect for the French, who indignantly demanded an audience with the Prussian king. Wilhelm agreed to the meeting, but was shocked when the exact demands of the French were outlined by their ambassador, Count Benedetti. Not only did the French insist on Leopold's immediate refusal of the Spanish crown, they also demanded an apology and a promise from King Wilhelm that a German would never again accept such an offer. Incensed, Wilhelm cut the meeting short and recorded his account of the proceedings in a telegram to Bismarck.

Ever the opportunist, Bismarck seized his chance to provoke the French into making a fatal decision. After carefully editing Wilhelm's telegram to make the disappointing meeting between Wilhelm and Benedetti sound much more confrontational than it actually was, Bismarck released his more provocative version to the press. It hit newsstands on July 14, 1870 - Bastille Day. Believing the release would have the "effect of waving a red cape in front of the face of the Gallic Bull", Bismarck patiently awaited the French response.

He didn't have to wait long.

The desired effect was instantaneous. Furious at the audacity of the arrogant Prussians, the outraged Napoleon III hastily declared war just five days later. Anticipating a sure victory over what he considered a vastly inferior foe, Napoleon confidently deployed his armies eastward, and the Franco-Prussian War was officially underway.

Unbeknownst to the French, Bismarck had preemptively formed a secret network of alliances between the German states south of his own Prussia, among which the seeds of nationalism had slowly begun to take root. The image of a French aggressor had resurrected bitter memories of the Napoleonic Wars, and one by one the German states fell into step behind Bismarck's leadership. Careful to exclude the Habsburg state of Austria, Otto von Bismarck meticulously set a deadly trap for the invading French, and in doing so built the core of what we now recognize as Germany.

It wasn't even close. The French were obliterated in six months. Napoleon III was captured during the Battle of Sedan, and died in exile less than three years later. France ultimately became a republic, and, excluding Nazi occupation, has remained so ever since. The German Empire was founded in Versailles on January 18, 1871, with Wilhelm declaring himself Kaiser Wilhelm I. Bismarck, of course, became known as the Iron Chancellor, and the rest is history.

All of this from a simple little telegram. The long-term effects of Bismarck's propaganda masterpiece can still be felt to this very day. The military innovations of the Franco-Prussian War marked the early stages of the nightmare that would become modern warfare. Tragically, the unrepentant and heavy-handed German victory resulted in a French desire for vengeance and continental tensions that would explode into two devastating world wars within the next 75 years. However, the industrial proficiency that began during Bismarck's German Empire has maintained itself even now, with Germany holding steady as the 4th largest economy on the planet. France never reinstated a monarchy, and has been a model of free republican government for over a century. After successfully navigating the turbulent waters of the 20th century, France and Germany have ultimately positioned themselves at the head of the burgeoning European Union - the largest economic community in history.

To paraphrase a tired cliche, while sticks and stones may, indeed, break a few bones, words can change the world. At least, a certain telegram about a diplomatic meeting in the little resort town of Bad Ems could - a telegram known for all of time as The Ems Dispatch.

July 12, 2005

Let's get ready to rumble!

Seems the creative teams behind The Simpsons and Family Guy are having it out. Apparently, the Simpsons camp feels Family Guy's lovable idiot patriarch, Peter Griffin, is a blatant rip-off of the reigning cartoon king fool, Homer Simpson.

I disagree. Maybe he would have been a decade ago, but these days the Family Guy characters are brilliantly offensive each and every week, whereas the Simpsons, sadly, haven't had the same socially relevant bite since Conan left.

It's one thing to be a lovable idiot. It's another thing to be a lovable idiot that can make people laugh, make people think, and make people feel insulted - all at the same time.

Winner? Seth MacFarlane.

July 08, 2005

All we are saying...

I watched a fantastic documentary called Promises last night. Promises follows the lives of 7 children growing up in and around the Jerusalem area, filmed in the late 1990's, months before the outbreak of the second Intifada. The primary allure of Promises is that it tells the story of the modern Israeli/Palestinian struggle through the eyes of the children it profiles. Some of the kids are Jews, some are Arabs.

The most beautiful portions of the film are towards the end, when Daniel and Yarko, two secular Jewish twins, are given the chance to meet Faraj, a Palestinian boy living in a refugee camp outside a Jerusalem checkpoint. Once initial awkwardness falls by the wayside, the children get busy doing what kids do best - being children. After a day of fun and getting to know each other, the kids are seated in a living room and asked to speak honestly about the unfortunate situation in which they are forced to live. A touching moment occurs when Faraj, after listening to several kids' opinions, comes to the realization that this day of innocent bonding and relationship building will most likely someday succumb to the hatred passed on from generation to generation. Heartbreaking stuff.

Big thumbs up, in my book. If only we could see the world like children.

July 06, 2005

Thug Luv

So Lil' Kim got a lil' over a year of jail time for her role in a shooting case. She's lucky - she could have been hit with 20 years.

Lil' Kim, baby, when you get out, give daddy a call - I miss you already.

July 05, 2005

Probst would've been proud.

Every July 4th weekend, I look forward to spending some time at my Aunt Terry's place, a good-sized chunk of land alongside Turtle Creek in Beloit, Wisconsin. Activities include camping, kayaking, and my personal favorite - Survivor.

Terry and her husband, Gary, invest a lot of time and energy constructing competitions - physical and mental - that test the competitors' wits and stamina. It's all in good fun, of course, with a minimal entry fee of $5.00 just to make it interesting.

This year, with all but one event remaining, I enjoyed a substantial lead in "points". Unfortunately for Yours Truly, the final event consisted of a lengthy obstacle course that culminated with an all-out sprint of roughly 40 yards or so - in the creek! As many of my friends can attest, I've sadly become somewhat of a land-whale in recent months. As expected, I just couldn't maintain full speed for the entire obstacle course. July 4th newcomer Lexi, taking full advantage of her youthful vim and vigor, made up the difference in points by posting an impressive time on the aforementioned obstacle course, meaning I was forced to settle for a close second-place.

Damned love-handles!

Anyways, congratulations Lexi. Well-played. Watch out for a leaner, meaner Hermann the Malevolent next summer!