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Terrorist emphatically denies sexual misconduct

al-Qaeda bigshot Ayman al-Zawahiri released a videotaped statement to the press earlier today, in which he vehemently denied media reports of any marital infidelity.

“Let me make this absolutely clear - I did not have sexual relations with that woman!” stated al-Zawahiri. “I would never betray my beloved twenty-seven wives like that. To do so would interfere with my noble mission of killing Westerners. Besides, girls don’t even like coming down here. I mean, seriously, look around - would you want to spend any time in these caves if you didn’t have to? Hell, I haven’t showered in four years! Chicks start throwing up if they come within 10 feet of me!”

Efforts to obtain statements from al-Zawahiri’s wives were thwarted by the hundreds of layers of clothing they are forced to wear.

Developing…