January 30, 2006

72-25

Well, I guess that's that then. Soon-to-be Justice Alito, please remember - executive power does NOT equal absolute power.

January 27, 2006

The gory days

Much to the delight of my sadistic friends, yours truly was once again introduced to the all-too-familiar pain that plagued long-suffering Denver fans for years. Thoroughly obliterated by the Pittsburgh Steelers in last week's AFC title game, Hermann the Malevolent could only sit helplessly and watch as his beloved Broncos went down in flames on the second-to-largest stage the NFL has to offer.

Woe is me.

Leafing through a copy of the latest Onion, I stumbled upon a piece entitled "Seven of the Greatest Super Bowl Highlight Films". Super Bowl XII happened to be one of them. I thought I'd share it with all you haters out there in its entirety. Enjoy.

Super Bowl XII
(Dallas 27, Denver 10)
Proof once again that the worst games can make the best films, this Dallas Cowboy blowout of the Denver Broncos (title: "Doomsday in The Dome") is noteworthy for its focus on the fans, at a time when a team's diehards could actually attend a Super Bowl. Of special note are the Bronco rooters, who seem to be disproportionately female, middle-aged, Farrah-haired, and decked out in tight orange T-shirts. NFL Films pulls one of its common tricks with non-competitive games, jumbling the action non-chronologically so that the few Bronco successes look roughly even to those of the dominating Cowboys. Equally notable is the synth-heavy score, which culminates in an oft-imitated slow-motion replay set to Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells".
Memorable John Facenda narration: "It was fiercely fought...but fatally flawed."

Yeah. Just like Jake Plummer.

Is there a street named "Hasselbeck Way"? I didn't think so.

In the above picture, Seattle coach Mike Holmgren whispers into quarterback Matt Hasselbeck's ear, "Hey, Matt - Brett Favre would have completed that pass in last year's playoffs. You, sir, are no Brett Favre!"

As Hasselbeck silently wept, Holmgren started placing bets with members of his coaching staff.

"I've got $50 that says Matt costs us the Super Bowl! Any takers? Anyone?" bellowed Holmgren.

What a terrible, terrible person. Poor Matt.

"Hero" is spelled S-H-A-U-N

Here at The Ems Dispatch, we love generous people who try to make a noticeable difference in the lives of others. The Seattle Seahawks' Shaun Alexander (pictured above with his precious daughter Heaven Nashay) is a consummate family man who loves his wife and cares about our nation's youth. Ever the community pillar, Shaun gladly donates his name and resources to the Shaun Alexander Foundation. The Shaun Alexander Foundation utilizes programs and activities designed to teach leadership skills to youngsters in desperate need of strong male role models in their lives.

You're a real standup guy, Seattle running back Shaun Alexander.

January 25, 2006

Update!

There's relevant info to report! Let's look at Fred Barnes' 2006 prediction #1:

"1. U.S., UK, India, Japan ally to combat Islamic extremism and nuclear proliferation."

Uh-oh. That pipeline deal might test US-Indian solidarity when it comes to confronting Iran on its nuclear program. Let's see what happens...

6-3 2-6 6-4

...and here.

Dammit.

January 23, 2006

Who don't like a good comeback story?

As demonstrated here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, The Ems Dispatch seems to have developed its own little "curse", if you will. If this article has any sort of freakish effect on Martina Hingis' Australian Open quarterfinals performance, I apologize in advance.

That said...

Hingis' run at this season's first Grand Slam event is exciting stuff to watch. Just 25 years old, injuries have kept the Swiss Miss sidelined for the better part of the last three years. In fact, many experts - indeed, Martina herself - thought Hingis' brilliant yet brief career was all but finished. After finishing off Aussie Samantha Stosur, Hingis finds herself back in the quarterfinals of a major tournament. Pretty cool.

Go Martina! And, again, sorry in advance if, you know...

January 22, 2006

The buck stops here

So I guess The West Wing got cancelled. What a bummer. I like that show. I thought this year would win back some viewers turned off by the crap the writers gave us following Sorkin's departure. Oh well.

Um...

Ouch.

January 21, 2006

Insane in the membrane

I really used to get into tennis hardcore during my teens and early 20's. I haven't been a very diligent fan of the sport in recent years, although I try to check out the Grand Slam finals whenever I can. As I sat at home tonight, eagerly awaiting tomorrow's Broncos/Steelers matchup, I figured I'd give the Australian Open a little bit of my time.

Holy Baghdatis!

I don't know if it's always like this when he plays, but Cyprus' Marcos Baghdatis is a freakin' thrill to watch! Why? His fans are crazy! It's like watching European soccer! After every single point, his loyal legions engage in a raucous yet organized chant that FA Premier League fans would be proud of. In fact, after his last match, Baghdatis had to ask his peeps to tone it down a notch. Tonight's contingent apparently isn't even close to his normal mob.

Tennis needs this kind of stuff. With improvements in technology taking some of the action out of men's tennis in the modern era, fan involvement like this brings some much-needed energy back to the sport. I love it. As of right now, Baghdatis is up 6-4, 0-5 against the #2-seed, Andy Roddick. Good stuff.

Plus, Sharapova's playing later. She's hot.

January 20, 2006

I think it's the eyes

Today, The Ems Dispatch pays its respects to my all-time dream girl, Audrey Hepburn. On this date in 1993, Hepburn lost her battle with cancer. She was only 63.

Hepburn never looked better than she did in Roman Holiday. In addition to her incredible beauty, Hepburn had a heart of gold. Her work with UNICEF late in her life was indicative of her character, herself a victim of violence and starvation at the hands of the Nazis during her youth.

January 19, 2006

You're still older than me. Ha!

This is my cousin, Jon. It's his birthday today. As this picture clearly demonstrates, Jon would have been a powerful contender during our "most handsome mustache" competition last August.

Happy birthday, dude!

January 17, 2006

Flank 2

After 24 not-so-inadvertently turned into a commercial for the Bush administration's War on Terror policies last year, I had reservations about giving the series another shot. It is, after all, a 24-hour investment of my time. Then I remembered Jack frickin' Bauer is on the show. After stumbling its way through the first half hour or so of the season premiere, 24 finally regained its footing. It's once again the heart-stopping roller coaster ride we became familiar with during the first season.

January 15, 2006

The Rodney Dangerfield of the 2005 playoffs

This comes courtesy of ESPN.com.

I'll concede - the Broncos backed their way into the AFC Championship game. Plummer wasn't spectacular, and Pat Bowlen had the refs in his pocket. On top of that, Pittsburgh and Indianapolis are both great teams.

But c'mon.

Denver was 13-3! Did they win all those games by accident, too? Puh-leeez!

Go get 'em, Jake.

January 14, 2006

Dirty laundry?

In the National Football League, there's game-changing penalties, then there's what happened to the New England Patriots as the first half came to a close in tonight's playoff matchup in Denver. In what was easily one of the worst calls I've ever seen, New England cornerback Asante Samuel was flagged for pass interference on a play that clearly gave the Broncos just enough momentum to start the defending champs' downward spiral. On the Broncos' next possession, the refs completely missed a false start by the Denver offensive line that would have added an extra five yards to Jason Elam's 50-yard field goal attempt. While most football fans call this kind of activity "bad officiating", those of us in Broncoland have an altogether different name for it - Mile High Magic, baby!

As an added bonus, I get to shred Fred Barnes' 2006 Prediction #10. Let's look back, shall we?

"10. New England Patriots win Super Bowl."

Sorry, Fred. The Pats are dead.

Fred Barnes
Record: 1-1
Winning percentage: 50%

Season Standings
Kondracke 100% 1-0
Barnes 50% 1-1
Krauthammer 0.0% 0-0

January 13, 2006

Did he call glass on that one?

I'm begrudgingly awarding a point to Mort Kondracke in the "Fox News Special Report 2006 Predictions" competition. I say begrudgingly, because Mort's prediction couldn't have been any more ambiguous. It's straight out of the "Well, no shit!" category. Let's take a look:

"1. Khalilzad pushes Iraqis to form stable government."

This is such a wussy prediction. Isn't Khalilzad the Ambassador to Iraq? Shouldn't one of his job requirements, especially in "post"-War Iraq, be to "push Iraqis" toward stability? And what exactly does "push" mean? He's an ambassador. Ambassadors are diplomatic representatives. And does Mort mean a stable government will actually be achieved, or that Iraqis will simply be "pushed" towards that end goal?

Whatever. I'm rambling.

Anyways, my personal misgivings about the "bullshit meter" of this particular prediction aside, I'm gonna go ahead and grant Kondracke a point based on the following release found on the International Information Programs website:

"Statement by Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad and General George Casey

May God Bless the People of Iraq."

There you have it. That's close enough. Since Khalilzad is working through various channels with and supporting the Iraqi police, he's technically "pushing" the Iraqis toward stability. Weak? Hell, yeah - but so was this lame ass prediction. Way to go out on a limb, Mort. One point for Kondracke!

Mort Kondracke
Record: 1-0
Winning percentage: 100%

Season Standings
Barnes 100% 1-0
Kondracke 100% 1-0
Krauthammer 0.0% 0-0

January 12, 2006

Fox News 2006 Predictions Breaking News!

There's pertinent information to report! Let's quickly review Charles Krauthammer's 2006 Prediction #2:

"2. Iran announces intention to acquire nukes. Security Council does nothing."

While Iran insists it's only interested in nuclear technology for non-military purposes, let's be real - any theocracy whose president has publicly announced a desire to have Israel "wiped off the map" probably shouldn't be taken at their word. Iran has now broken United Nations seals and forced negotiations with the EU to crumble. The EU leadership now seems willing to dump the problem in the Security Council's lap.

For scoring purposes, Krauthammer can only score a point IF:

1. Iran specifically announces its intention to acquire nukes.

AND...

2. The Security Council does nothing.

Since this is my game, I will decide what exactly "nothing" entails. I have a sneaking suspicion that anything short of full-scale war would constitute "nothing" in Krauthammer's eyes, so I'll do what I can to make my own fair and balanced judgement.

Stay tuned, kids!

Disorganized Religion

If you thought worshipping a stain on the wall was crazy, you'll love this. Hundreds of pilgrims died while performing the "stoning of the devil" ritual, as waves of people engulfed in religious fervor tripped over each other and crushed those unfortunate souls unable to get out of the way.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Tragedy has struck the event in the past, with similar results. Note to Islam - get a new tradition. Allah doesn't want you dead.

January 11, 2006

Girl Power

I have to admit - I'm a little surprised at Chancellor Merkel thus far. She hasn't exactly bent down and kissed Bush's feet yet, as many of her critics feared during last year's bitter federal elections. She's called out Rice on the holding of a German citizen, and more recently she's suggested that Guantanamo should be shut down. Pretty ballsy, Angie!

Of course, that could all be a bunch of fluff leading up to her meeting with the President in Washington in a few days. Perhaps she's just stirring the pot to let Bush know she's a legitimate player that deserves some respect. Perhaps she's walking a harder line than expected because of some arrangement she made with her grand coalition partners, the SPD. Or perhaps she realizes Schröder actually had some game when it came to international politics. Who knows? Too early to tell. Interesting, nonetheless.

You go, girl.

Thank You!

Happy International Thank You Day, everybody! I'd like to send my family and friends a very special "thank you" on this wonderful day. Not just your average, everyday "thank you" either - we're talkin' one massive THANK YOU!!!

Again, thank you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you...

January 10, 2006

Blistering barnacles! Tintin's 77!

A very fond birthday wish for one of my dearest childhood heroes - Georges Remi's comic book reporter and adventurer, Tintin. On January 10, 1929, Tintin's first adventure, Tintin in the Land of the Soviets, began what would become a thrilling series of adventures that invited millions of children to hold on tight and come along for the ride. My favorite characters were the bumbling detectives Thomson and Thompson - two unrelated yet identical sleuths who always backed their way into whatever success they achieved.

Remi's classic comic didn't escape its share of controversy, however. Criticism of his stereotypical portrayal of non-European personalities and hints of anti-Semitism in his earlier work prompted slight changes in later releases of the Tintin series.

January 08, 2006

All's fair...

Chuck loaned me his new DVD boxset of one of the funniest "gameshows" you'll ever see - Canada's own Kenny vs. Spenny. The show follows the exploits of two best friends who spend their time engaging in unusual competitions, the loser of which must fulfill a "humiliation" of the victor's choosing. The twist is, while Spenny honorably tries to keep it fair and square, Kenny is always finding some creative new way to cheat.

I've only gotten through about five episodes so far. It's hilarious. My favorite ones so far are "Who can keep a blindfold on the longest?" and "Who can stay awake the longest?"

A Manning among men

Throw the damn towel!

Well into the fourth quarter of today's NFC playoff matchup between Carolina and New York, the Panthers are giving Eli Manning one helluva rude awakening. As I'm writing this, Manning the Younger has a grand total of 90 yards passing with 3 interceptions.

Welcome to the playoffs, kid.

January 06, 2006

Revenge of the Sith

The Bulls summoned the ghosts of their bygone heroes tonight, beating the Bucks at the Fortress by dominating the decisive fourth quarter.

Don't let it go to your head, Chicago. You're still fatter than us.

January 04, 2006

Fox News Special Report 2006 Predictions Update #1

Here we go...

Congratulations to Fred Barnes, the early leader in Hermann the Malevolent's "Fox News Special Report 2006 Predictions" competition.

Since our three contestants don't all have the same number of predictions, we'll be awarding the trophy to the competitor with the highest winning percentage at year's end. While that may sound like it puts unfair pressure on those with larger amounts of predictions to nail, I couldn't care less. This is my game, and it sounds fair and balanced enough to me. Good luck to all the contestants.

First up - Fred Barnes' prediction #11. Let's review:

"11. University of Texas wins Rose Bowl."

Good call, Fred. A dramatic touchdown by the Longhorns with less than a minute to go in the game secured not only the national title for Texas, but also the early lead for Fred Barnes.

Fred Barnes
Record: 1-0
Winning percentage: 100%

Season Standings
Barnes 100% 1-0
Krauthammer 0.0% 0-0
Kondracke 0.0% 0-0

January 02, 2006

Milwaukee annihilates Chicago

In one of the most thorough slaughters you'll ever see, the Milwaukee Bucks completely obliterated the Chicago Bulls tonight. Fans were seen covering their heads in shame as they fled the United Center, angrily overturning cars and burning Scott Skiles in effigy as they stampeded through the streets of Chicago.

Ok, so the Bucks won by a point. What do you want from me, Windy City? You guys had Jordan for a decade and a half. Enjoy the nuclear winter.

Fox Televisionaries

So I stopped by the most fair and balanced news source I could find for a few minutes tonight. That would, of course, be Fox News. I love Fox News. Why? Because, unlike those pinkos over at CNN, they love America - they really love America. On tonight's stellar edition of Special Report, several of the fellas made their predictions for 2006. I've taken the liberty of listing them here for your viewing pleasure:

Charles Krauthammer
1. Fidel Castro dies, regime unravels. Cuba becomes favorite American resort.
2. Iran announces intention to acquire nukes. Security Council does nothing.
3. Assad regime in Syria overthrown.
4. Brokeback Mountain seen by 14 people, wins Academy Award for Best Picture.

Mort Kondracke
1. Khalilzad pushes Iraqis to form stable government.
2. Iraqi security forces win battles.
3. Zarqawi killed.
4. U.S. troop levels down to 100,000 by end of '06.

Fred Barnes
1. U.S., UK, India, Japan ally to combat Islamic extremism and nuclear proliferation.
2. Iraq emerges as Arab democracy, recognizes Israel, exchanges ambassadors.
3. Anti-mullah protests in Iran.
4. Dems win House and Senate seats but have control of neither.
5. Bush job approval reaches 50%.
6. Democratic star is Russell Feingold.
7. Republican star is George Allen.
8. Arnold wins re-election.
9. No charges in Abramoff scandal.
10. New England Patriots win Super Bowl.
11. University of Texas wins Rose Bowl.

In addition, Krauthammer said Alito will be a winner, and the NSA investigation, while messy, will result in the American people supporting the President's right to protect us by any means necessary.

Best wishes to all the Fox News talking heads. If I could get in on this little "office pool" action I would, but I haven't sold my soul to the devil - er, Rupert Murdoch - like these guys have. Oh, well. Good luck, anyways!

My prediction for 2006? Fox News will continue to be fair and balanced - except for when it's not.