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The gory days

Much to the delight of my sadistic friends, yours truly was once again introduced to the all-too-familiar pain that plagued long-suffering Denver fans for years. Thoroughly obliterated by the Pittsburgh Steelers in last week’s AFC title game, Hermann the Malevolent could only sit helplessly and watch as his beloved Broncos went down in flames on the second-to-largest stage the NFL has to offer.

Woe is me.

Leafing through a copy of the latest Onion, I stumbled upon a piece entitled “Seven of the Greatest Super Bowl Highlight Films”. Super Bowl XII happened to be one of them. I thought I’d share it with all you haters out there in its entirety. Enjoy.

Super Bowl XII
(Dallas 27, Denver 10)
Proof once again that the worst games can make the best films, this Dallas Cowboy blowout of the Denver Broncos (title: “Doomsday in The Dome”) is noteworthy for its focus on the fans, at a time when a team’s diehards could actually attend a Super Bowl. Of special note are the Bronco rooters, who seem to be disproportionately female, middle-aged, Farrah-haired, and decked out in tight orange T-shirts. NFL Films pulls one of its common tricks with non-competitive games, jumbling the action non-chronologically so that the few Bronco successes look roughly even to those of the dominating Cowboys. Equally notable is the synth-heavy score, which culminates in an oft-imitated slow-motion replay set to Mike Oldfield’s “Tubular Bells”.
Memorable John Facenda narration: “It was fiercely fought…but fatally flawed.”

Yeah. Just like Jake Plummer.