February 25, 2006

It's quite slimming, no?

I always preferred the black costume as a kid.

"Something elemental, something terrifying."

Cool.

February 23, 2006

What do Patrick Ewing, Dan Marino, Barry Bonds, and Sasha Cohen all have in common?

How lame. I gave you a chance, figure skating. You're dead to me.

Anyhoo - when do the NBA Playoffs start?

February 22, 2006

When Hell freezes over

The above picture is Emily Hughes performing a death drop last night at the 2006 Winter Olympic Games. Less than two weeks ago, she was back home watching the Olympic opening ceremonies on television with her family. Deflecting media questions about her apparent snub by Team USA in favor of the injured Michelle Kwan, Emily graciously slid into her role as an Olympic alternate. A relatively inexperienced international competitor, Hughes' biggest accomplishment so far in her career has been winning the bronze in this year's United States Figure Skating Championships. Last year, she finished 6th among the American women. Hardly a threat to perform anywhere near the level of her decorated older sister, Hughes was brushed aside in favor of the more-recognizable Kwan.

After Kwan withdrew, Hughes was rushed over to Torino to fill her spot. With a field rich in both American and international talent, Hughes' chances of performing well have pretty much been dismissed by all the so-called experts. Few give her even the slightest chance of breaking the top ten, and a medal seems impossible with the likes of Cohen, Slutskaya, and Meissner in the mix.

Here's the standings after one of two programs:

1. Sasha Cohen
2. Irina Slutskaya
3. Shizuka Arakawa
4. Fumie Suguri
5. Kimmie Meissner
6. Elene Gedevanishvili
7. Emily Hughes
8. Miko Ando
9. Joannie Rochette
10. Sarah Meier
11. Carolina Kostner
12. Susanna Poykio
13. Elena Liashenko
14. Mira Leung
15. Yan Liu
16. Julia Sebestyen
17. Idora Hegel
18. Elena Sokolova
19. Viktoria Pavuk
20. Kiira Korpi
21. Fleur Maxwell
22. Tugba Karademir
23. Silvia Fontana
24. Galina Efremenko
25. Joanne Carter
26. Roxana Luca
27. Yong Suk Kim
28. Elena Glebova
29. Anastasia Gimazetdinova

Yeah, that's right. 7th out of 29. In golf, they call that the front page of the leader board. In 2002, Emily's sister Sarah struck gold after entering the free skate in 4th place. Granted, the short program is apparently Hughes' best event, but hey - 22 other skaters can only wish they held the position she does right now. Realistically, the free skate will most likely be a bridge too far for young Hughes, but she's gotta love the fact that she's at least given herself a chance for one Hail Mary play.

Not bad for someone who was supposed to be home on the couch right now.

February 21, 2006

Golden opportunity

At the risk of losing all credibility with the Y chromosome club, I'd like to discuss one of those faux sports on display over in Torino right now - figure skating. I'm one of those people who thinks the attraction of the Olympic Games is the storylines and subplots of the individual athletes involved, not so much the actual events. I mean, c'mon - curling? Please. I could curl. Truth be told, I don't really find myself too excited about any of the actual sports themselves, unless I'm nursing a fat hangover. Speed skating is kinda cool, I guess, and downhill skiing was supposed to be fun for the American team this year, until Bode Miller did his best to make sure we never root for him again. The luge and the bobsled events look like they're a blast, but are those guys really athletes? Seriously, did you see Georg Hackl's love handles?

And don't even get me started on hockey. Yeah, the Miracle on Ice was pretty cool, but again, it was a great story.

So that brings us to figure skating, the event that pretty much defines the Winter Olympic Games, for better or for worse. While I can name maybe three figure skaters who aren't called Katarina Witt, I think most of us knew at least a little bit about the Michelle Kwan saga going into these games. There's something appealing to any sports fan about an "aging" legend chasing one last shot at glory, and Kwan's withdrawal pretty much sucked all the drama out of the American figure skating story.

Enter Emily Hughes.

Known primarily as 2002 Olympic gold medalist Sarah Hughes' little sister, Kwan's absence provided Emily with the opportunity most Olympics enthusiasts thought she righfully deserved in the first place. Hughes is admittedly a long shot to finish anywhere even remotely close to the medal stand, but who don't like a good Cinderella story? Her older sister shocked the Olympic world four years ago with her improbable performance to seal the gold medal for the United States, so who's to say Hughes the Younger can't start building her own legend with a decent performance in the 2006 Games? She's got one helluva long shadow to crawl out from under, but hey - that's the beauty of competition, right? Even in a "sport" criticized for being more flash than substance, the fact remains these skaters are, at their core, tremendously gifted athletes who must step up to the plate when their number is called. Hughes, who just turned 17 a few weeks ago, has a chance to create something of an Olympic family dynasty when she makes her debut tonight. With all due respect to Lindsey Kildow, I'm hungry for these Olympics to generate something buzzworthy, and if it takes a ladies' figure skating all-American underdog girl to do so, then I'm all for it.

No, seriously - I'm a dude. Promise.

Go Emily.

February 17, 2006

Are there wooded areas in Detroit?

Mrs. Jooky Vegas sent me an e-mail today. It included a few pictures of how she and Mark spent their Super Bowl Sunday. I've put one up for you.

Rebecca's a Pittsburgh native and lifelong Steeler fan. Not only did she and the Jookster attend Super Bowl XL, they were also in Denver two weeks earlier to see her beloved Steelers dismantle the Broncos.

It's good to be the king. And the queen. Must've been a dream come true for any football fan.

February 16, 2006

Survivor XII: The Search for Spock

During this week's gratuitously physical immunity challenge, one of my Survivor office pool contestants, zen master yoga instructor Aras, unleashed an outstanding secret weapon - the Vulcan nerve pinch!

The competition was an all-out scrum in which two competing groups had to wrest a canvas bag of who knows what away from their opponents and race to their respective target zones. Pinned down amongst a mangled mess of limbs and muscle, the bag didn't look like it was going anywhere.

Enter Aras.

Employing some super slick yoga upper leg pressure point pinch, my new favorite contestant effortlessly lifted the bag out from under his poor victim's now liquefied leg and sprinted home to set his team up for the win. Mr. Spock himself could not have done it any better.

Maybe I was wrong about this guy. While he's still a bit wacky, at least he's wacky with lethal yoga ninja skills.

Empire falls

I can't tell if this project is closer in quality to HBO's splendid Rome, or ABC's god-awful Empire. It's encouraging that Rome's Kevin McKidd is part of the cast. That's a good sign, at least.

Either way, I'll go watch it. (Yeah, that's right - no Kong for me, but I'll see this piece of historical butchery. Draw your own conclusions.) I enjoy Roman crap, and the era covered in The Last Legion is one not often dealt with on film, as far as I know. Sounds like they're taking some cool dramatic license with Romulus Augustus' life.

Bring on the barbarians!

February 14, 2006

Coronas and katanas

I had a wonderful evening last night. After meeting Andy and the Buchs' for drinks and dinner at Sol Fire, I "kept it moving" and headed on over to an old-school Riverwest institution - The Polish Falcon. The staff at my former place of employment, Benji's, decided to throw a belated employees' holiday party. Since the folks at Benji's are kind enough to still consider me a part of the club, they sent me an invite. Who am I to refuse a night of free beer and pleasant company?

We had a blast. I actually bowled for the first time in years, and I drank for the first time in minutes. As midnight passed and focusing on the person directly in front of me became difficult, my old co-worker Matt spent a good hour filling me in on the early-17th to late-19th century history of Japanese combat. It was awesome. Matt's knowledge of the period is astounding, and he was more than happy to fill my brain with everything ranging from civil war to the way of the samurai. I don't really remember any of it.

A dozen roses. Er, months.

On this Valentine's Day, I'd like to wish a very special anniversary to...ME!

Exactly one year ago today, two ingenious and stunningly handsome blokes provided a certain Hermann the Malevolent with a public outlet for his daily thoughts and ruminations. Most kind, my good friends.

Happy one-year anniversary, The Ems Dispatch. Bloggin' rocks.

February 11, 2006

Couch good. Walking bad.

As I lie here this afternoon, recovering from an evening full of poker and Spotted Cow, I find myself actually enjoying these 2006 Winter Olympics. I've never been a big fan of the Games, but there's just something kinda soothing about the monotony of televised competitive cross-country skiing. Georg Hettich from Germany just beat Austrian Felix Gottwald to win the Nordic Combined-Individual event. Hettich pulled away from Gottwald as they neared the finish, meaning the only remaining drama was for the Bronze. Norwegian countrymen Magnus Moan and Petter Tande raced to a photo finish, with Moan earning the last medal by about an inch. Well done, Magnus.

Ahhhh. Good ol' non-stop weird sports. Maybe it's just the hangover talking, but I could get used to this. Every four years, eh?

February 09, 2006

Sneak peek

Heeeeeeeeere's Caleb!

Congrats, again, to Darrin and Mindy.

February 07, 2006

Irony

I like to check the sources of this blog's traffic from time to time. One that jumped out at me was a search string from Google. It read: "stupid zionist - angela merkel".

Nothing to say about that, really. It just struck me as odd.

And ironic.

February 04, 2006

The Final Countdown

Looks like the IAEA will make good on its threat to report Iran to the U.N. Security Council. We're inching ever so closer to a scoring update on Charles Krauthammer's 2006 prediction #2:

"2. Iran announces intention to acquire nukes. Security Council does nothing."

How exciting! It's like that break right before the fourth quarter starts at the Bradley Center, where you run out for one final bathroom break and get one last soda or slice of pizza. This one's comin' down to the wire, baby!

In case anyone was wondering, India did, indeed, support the IAEA's decision. That's good news.

February 03, 2006

Who am I trying to fool?

I'm sorry - I just can't do it. As much as I've tried to convince myself to root for those Seattle Seahawks - great humanitarians that they are - you just can't top this.

Thanks, Big Andy G, for helping me clear my head. Let's hope the curse of the Dispatch takes a holiday.

Go Steelers!

A real man honors his debts. Talking dogs? Not so much.

I've watched this about a million times so far, and it's still hilarious. Stewie Griffin is awesome.

(Note - press pause and let the clip load a little bit before playing it. Otherwise, you'll get some lag time. Enjoy.)

"I've got a baaad feeling about this..."

Last season, my two Survivor office pool candidates were eliminated in the first two weeks of competition. Tough break. I'd hoped my players were a little more adept this time around.

Quite frankly, I'm not feeling too confident right about now.

First there's Aras, a yoga instructor. Young, athletic, strong - sounds good, right? Problem is, he's also crazy. I'm not sure what was more painful to watch - three-packs-a-day Shane going through nicotine withdrawal, or Aras gathering his new tribemates around and performing some weird sort of chi ceremony designed to channel mysterious energies into their camp-building activities. Way to blend in with total strangers, dude.

Then there's Courtney, the performance artist. That should say enough in itself. A little quirky, she seemed to be doing ok at first. Then came the dead turtle incident. Finding a rotting sea turtle carcass on the beach, Courtney launched her own little ritual to honor a dead freakin' turtle. She drew a heart around the turtle, placed a rock at the top of it, then went into some awkward speech about mother earth and turtles and nature and some other wacky nonsense. Her teammates kept a nervous distance, and one of them confessed later that she was having a hard time playing along with the absurdity of the moment. Again, way to bond with strangers, girlio.

I was lucky in that neither of my candidates' teams lost the immunity challenge this week. There's four teams to start off the season this time around, and I think I dodged a bullet here. A word of advice to Aras and Courtney - try to keep the crazy to a minimum! My wallet is depending on it!

***Update***
Apparently, the wife of one of my bloggin' buds, Frank, knows one of this year's Survivor contestants. Frank was kind enough to provide a link over here to The Ems Dispatch, so I figured I'd do the same for him. You can read his story here.

February 02, 2006

"...neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire."

Happy 1,044th anniversary to the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation. On this date in 962, Pope John XII placed the crown pictured above atop the head of Otto, ruler of the East Frankish kingdom. As a result, history refers to him as Otto I, the Great - the first in a line of German imperial titleholders that would last until the old Reich's dissolution at the hands of Napoleon in 1806.

Otto's coronation, in a sense, marked the beginnings of the European map we recognize today. Over 160 years earlier, Pope Leo III had essentially revived the ancient Western Roman Empire when he crowned the Frankish king Charlemagne Imperator Augustus. Charlemagne's bloody campaign of expansion and religious conversion stretched the borders of his empire to include much of mainland Europe. Years later, his empire was split among three of his grandsons by the Treaty of Verdun. The eastern portion, pictured below in blue, was given to Louis the German. It is this region, roughly encompassing today's Germany and Austria, over which Otto the Great would someday rule, and which ultimately expanded into the massive territory that later centuries would label the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation.

The Holy Roman Empire, in my humble opinion, is a classic example from the history books of why the separation between church and state is of such paramount importance. Nearly a millennium of both conflict and cooperation between papal/ecclesiastical factions and European nobility gave us such memorable events as the Investiture Controversy, the Thirty Years War, and those happy little foreign relations projects known as the Crusades. Malfeasance cleverly packaged itself under the banner of the Cross, with each party involved manipulating the other in a perverted political scheme to claim legitimacy at the expense of - who else? - the peasantry.

February 01, 2006

It's a boy!

Hermann the Malevolent would like to welcome his latest relative into the world. Last night, around 7:30 or so, Caleb Patrick Carratt introduced himself to his proud parents - my cousin, Darrin, and his lovely wife, Mindy.

Congratulations to the new mommy and daddy! Also, congratulations to my Uncle Steve and Aunt Carol on the arrival of their first grandchild! I can't wait to meet the first Hermratt heir!