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Living Legend Retires

Citing a wish to “spend more time with (his) families”, golfing phenom and reigning Buchs Cup Championship Series champion Hermann the Malevolent shockingly announced his immediate retirement this evening. Best known for his awkward grunts and a dangerous temper, the Blond Bomber from Beloit decided he simply had nothing left to accomplish in the sport.

“I’ve got nothing left to accomplish in the sport,” said a contented Hermann. “I’m not gonna lie - competetive golf’s been good to me, that’s for sure. But once you’ve been to the mountain top, there’s really nowhere else to go. I’ve lost the passion for the game.”

The timing of the beloved legend’s retirement has raised questions in some circles. Considering Hermann’s impressive vault toward the top of the Series standings in recent weeks, a second consecutive championship seemed all but a mathematical certainty.

“I just decided it was time to step aside and let some of the younger kids out there get a crack at this thing for once,” said Hermann, lovingly caressing the 2007 Buchs Cup Championship Series trophy.

Hermann’s announcement has essentially left the golfing world in disarray. Many experts have admitted they’re not sure how to view whoever happens to stumble into the void created by Hermann’s retirement. Some have openly questioned whether or not this person should really be considered a champion at all. One unnamed source suggested a one-time round of golf - open to any and all contestants, whoever they might be - to determine who, exactly, should be handed the 2008 Buchs Cup Championship Series title.

That, however, didn’t sit well with everyone.

“In my book, the Buchs Cup Championship just wouldn’t be the same if it’s won without an outright and decisive victory over the incumbent champ,” said, uh, John Smith of Appleton, Wisconsin. “I raised my kids to golf like Hermann golfs, and there’s no way I’m gonna give some wannabe poser the same respect I’ve given Hermann, who earned his title the way it’s supposed to be earned.”

Whatever happens, one thing is abundantly clear - in the hearts and minds of the people, Hermann the Malevolent is Mr. Buchs Cup for life. Truth be told, he might actually be the legal champion for life, too. This is the first time in Buchs Cup Championship Series history that a sitting champion has retired without officially having been dethroned, so we may, in fact, be looking at the establishment of a rather important precedent. Asked what he thought about the prospect of him being considered champion for life as a result of his stunning retirement, a smirking Hermann had this to say:

“Huh. I didn’t even think of that. Seriously.”