May 09, 2008

Disarm you with a smile

After painfully bearing witness to the epic downfall of what used to be must-see tv for yours truly, I've been pleasantly surprised at the level of quality found on the other reality tv show in my life. That would be the venerable Survivor - still keepin' it real in its 16th season. Proving yet again that quality entertainment always works better with the right mix of aesthetics and substance, Survivor: Micronesia has reclaimed its place as the undisputed king of social strategy gameshows. Thursday's penultimate episode featured a fantastically well-executed mind control trick that blew my socks off. Who doesn't remember this? Well, the woman pictured above, Cirie Fields, orchestrated the closest thing to a real-life Obi-Wan Kenobi impersonation that you'll ever see. Here's what happened:

With only five castaways remaining, this week's individual immunity award was won by Erik, the last remaining male. He's been winning quite a few challenges lately, and as physicality historically plays a crucial part in the final immunity competitions of all Survivor seasons to date, his departure was of utmost importance to the four women left on the island. Cirie's solution? Simple - just tell him to give his immunity necklace to somebody else. Through a series of trickery, false promises, and thoroughly convincing acting by all four women involved, Erik voluntarily gave up his immunity necklace at a tribal council that would have guaranteed him a 25% chance at a million dollars! The obvious result? He'll now be casting his vote for the winner as a jury member on this Sunday's season finale.

That's the one and only time anyone's ever been voted out after winning the individual immunity award. I can't get my jaw off the floor. You just earned your spot in the reality tv hall of fame, Master Cirie. Well done.

April 27, 2008

Land of the Lost

Oh, Brother.

In what may very well have signalled the beginning of the end for what used to be one of my favorite shows, Adam Jasinski, the pride of New Jersey, was somehow crowned as the new Big Brother champion earlier tonight. A far cry from the glory days once dominated by the cocky self-confidence and Machiavellian ingenuity of Dr. Will Kirby, this season's winner claimed the big prize by fumbling his way through the game a tiny bit better than all the other knuckleheads fumbled their way through the game. I swear - this was the most busted up collection of sad sacks they've ever had on this show. Idiots, the lot of them. Even the "winner" - and I use that term loosely - didn't seem to have a clue. Seriously, the guy apparently does some work for autism organizations out in the real world, yet he still thinks it's appropriate to unleash this little gem? What a dumb ass. Congratulations on the half mil, Adam. I've got a bridge to sell ya.

Big Brother 9: 'Til Death Do You Part should be used as a not-so-shining example of what happens when reality gameshow producers only focus on casting physically attractive young hipsters (with one glaringly pathetic exception) in an effort to win viewership. Sorry, folks. Doesn't always work out that way. A game played out within the context of a reality tv show is only as entertaining as its contestants make it, and this season's weekly promo commercials were decidely more exciting than the trash tv banality offered up by the dullards inside the house over the span of the last two yawn-inducing months. That's not a very good sign at all, and it's time to get your head back in the game before your rapidly disappearing audience completely deserts you, Allison Grodner. I want my old Big Brother back.

February 12, 2008

Political Update

Yup, Big Brother's back. Love it, love it, love it. This year, the crafty devils behind the greatest reality tv show of all time decided to match everybody in the house with their supposed "soulmates". And how could Big Brother possibly figure out who qualifies as soulmates to 16 total strangers, you ask? Why, it's quite simple. See, all one has to do, apparently, is fill out an "extensive" questionnaire during the casting process, and presto! Soulmates! Seriously, it's that easy. And can you think of a better way to facilitate televised sex than forcing aforementioned soulmates to share a bed and play the game as a team? Not I, my friends! Gosh, for my money, that's more than enough frills 'n thrills for one season, don't you think?

But wait! There's more! Added to this steamy mix is a real-life couple trying to keep their relationship a secret from their housemates. The Big Brother producers wouldn't be devious enough to inform them that their profiles actually matched better with two other people now, would they? Why, yes! Yes, they would! So guess what, loving young couple? You get to spend the next three months watching each other share a bed with someone else who just so happens to be more apt to make a meaningful connection with your beloved mate than you! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Congratulations!

There couldn't possibly be anything else out of the ordinary, could there? Well, not unless you consider throwing two recently separated lovers who had been together since they were children and who just recently broke up because the dude joined the military and then cheated on his life-long sweetheart who was crushed and broke it off with him making him realize he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and desperately wants to win her back even though she's devastated and now hates his cheatin' ass together into one house on television for all to see as "out of the ordinary". And there's no way those heartless Big Brother schemers would force these two people whose love was forever tainted to share the same bed as soulmates, is there? Yes! Absolutely! You want a shot at half a mil, young lady? Then you get to spend 3 months in bed with the guy who broke your heart into a million pieces! Yaaaay!!!!

Oh, and by the way - there's a game to be played.

Greatest. Show. Ever.

October 13, 2007

Excuse me - you're sitting in my favorite chair.

Why don't you just mosey on along now? There ya go.

Aaah, that's better. It's good to be home.

September 30, 2007

Long Live the King

In case anyone missed the latest Late Show classic, this one's for you. In a vintage display of passive-aggressive Letterman tenacity, the undisputed king of late night simply refused to let the controversial hotel heiress off the proverbial hook in one of Dave's most uncomfortable yet simultaneously hilarious interviews yet.

You're still the man, Dave.

September 14, 2007

The Rise of Evel

Congrats to Big Brother's incredible dynamic duo - Daniele and Richard "Evel Dick" Donato - who secured the show's first ever father/daughter final two with an impressive, if not predictable, final Head of Household victory over this season's resident lummox and Joker-clone, Zach Swerdzewski. While Daniele played a competent social stealth game earlier in the season, she absolutely dominated the all-important Power of Veto competitions by winning a record-tying total of five POVs, mostly when they mattered the most. Well done, Daniele.

On the other hand, Evel Dick's strategy was anything but subtle. This guy badgered and verbally abused his fellow competitors so ferociously that the National Organization for Women reportedly demanded CBS remove him from the show. A bit over the top perhaps, but many fans (not I) felt he may have indeed taken it a bit too far at times. Claiming his socially aggressive behavior was nothing more than strategic tactics, Dick ignored his less-confrontational daughter's requests for him to turn it down a notch and instead bullied his way all the way to the bank. Both the $500,000 grand prize and the $50,000 second-place purse will make their way into the bank accounts of the Donato family - now the most successful team in Big Brother history. And just in case they ever forget how dominant they were, they can go back and watch the BB8 DVDs on Dick's brand new plasma TV he won earlier this season. Seriously - these guys cleaned house. Eat your heart out, Chilltown.

In a season that featured a raging anti-semite, a well-intended but ultimately lame attempt at audience participation, and the token rogue's gallery of misguided hypocrites, Dick's abrasive and belittling species of in-your-face honesty was, surprisingly, a much-needed breath of fresh air.

Congrats, Donatos. You killed 'em all.

August 06, 2007

Lollapalooza 2007

Fantastic time in Chicago this weekend. Big thanks to The Chuck for puttin' it all together for us.

Biggest winner? Daft Punk, hands down. Great show, great music, great time.

Biggest loser? That would be CSS. Way to miss one of the biggest gigs of your fledgling career, you drunken Brazilian losers. Your money's on the nightstand - I'm done with you. Get out.

July 23, 2007

Zander Carratt

Just wanted to give some props to my cousin's newborn son, Zander. Zander's been battling some serious medical issues since he was born a few months ago, and he's handled it like a champion. Yesterday, friends, strangers, and family alike gathered at a benefit held here in Beloit to help out with some medical expenses and such, and I'd like to extend a BIG "Thank you!" to everybody who attended and sees this. Every bit helps.

You rock, Zander.

July 14, 2007

The silence is deafening

I'd like to apologize to all the legions of The Ems Dispatch fans - all 2 of them - for the unfortunate absence of my comment section. Hope to get that back up for you as soon as possible.

cough DAN cough

Chapped lips

Hmmm - Heath Ledger as the Joker. Doesn't he kinda look like Al Capone with bad makeup?

July 03, 2007

Skywalkers

Dude, we're in the future!

June 22, 2007

"Summer of Les" Update #2

This is where I spent the last three days. I slept in a tent, caught some trout, and cooked over a campfire.

Boy, did that shower feel good this afternoon...

June 15, 2007

Geek talk

Saw this over at Entertainment Weekly's site and thought I'd pass it along to you guys. After the incredible disappointment that was Superman Returns, I'm a little hesitant to get too excited over another comic book movie. That said, Nolan hit a grand slam with Batman Begins, so for now I'll give The Dark Knight the benefit of the doubt.

"Summer of Les" Update

If one were to walk into my mom's backyard and look about twenty miles directly to the north, the above hill formation is what they'd see. Here in Helena, the locals refer to it as the "sleeping giant". Only the top half is shown in the picture above, but you can distinctly make out the upper torso and facial features of a man laying on his back. When I was a kid, I hiked with some family friends up to the top of the portion that looks like a nose. The hike trail, naturally, is called "pickin' the nose". Good stuff.

Just can't get that sort of outdoor entertainment in Brew City. Next Tuesday, my folks and I are heading to the hills for some good ol' fashioned camping. Mom bought me some hiking boots and a fishing pole as an early birthday present yesterday, and I eagerly look forward to frying up some delicious Montana rainbow trout come Wednesday. Mmmmm good!

Anyhoo, see y'all in July.

Or not.

June 08, 2007

Secret Ninja

In anticipation of the imminent season premiere of the best reality tv show ever, here's a little treat showcasing the greatest reality show contestant of all time. Sorry, Hatch - it's true.

And here's the cherry on top from the final episode of Big Brother All-Stars - five years later.

June 01, 2007

Synchronicity?

I think Chuck may have been on to something...

May 16, 2007

Goin' green

After deciding life is much too short to stress out over the little things, I resigned from my job yesterday. It's been a good run, and I'll miss working with everybody I've gotten to know so well over the last year. Best wishes to everyone, and I'll see you on the golf course.

Peace.

March 02, 2007

Civil rights, 2007

Call me a sucker for cheap pop fluff, but I love the silly Geico caveman commercials. While I'm sure the joke will get real old real fast, this made my day nonetheless.

February 27, 2007

It's love at first shot

Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's finally happened. Believe it or not, I think I've finally found the woman I want to make my wife. Bernadette Headd, I love you!

Die tailgating scum!

February 26, 2007

Can I get a kleenex or something?

The above picture of yours truly was taken Saturday night immediately following Chuck's thorough annihilation of my best laid plans. I didn't stand a chance in this latest edition of global domination, and the shadow of the Dark Side has once again descended upon the Midwest.

Congratulations to the 3-time Mr. RISK titleholder. You suck.

February 23, 2007

So we meet again for the first time for the last time...

I'm looking forward to killing - er, seeing - all of you again.

Yours,

Mr. RISK

February 21, 2007

Our long national nightmare is over.

Welcome back, Mr. President. Welcome back.

January 29, 2007

Bring on the night!

Woohoo!

December 06, 2006

Life 'n stuff

Hi folks.

So what's new? Let's see:

The democrats won last month. More accurately, the republicans lost. My fantasy football team sucks. 1.3285 dollars will get you a euro these days. There's a mountain of snow outside. Heroes is pretty cool. Ozzy is still alive in my Survivor pool. Lance, Dan, and The Chuck seem to be doing well. I'm getting fatter.

Guess that's about it. Just had to see if I remember how this thing works.

See you soon.

August 26, 2006

Turning Japanese

Mr. RISK would like to thank his friends in Tokyo for the warmth and hospitality they displayed in providing yours truly with some much-needed cover in last night's lightning-fast exhibition of global annihilation. A bit of patience here, a touch of luck there, and wouldn't you know it? The most dangerous and misunderstood power in the history of gaming has, for the 7th time, found its way home to me.

Or is it the 8th time? Hell, I can't even remember anymore...

I'm awesome.

June 17, 2006

Hard to Watch

I donated a few minutes of my time to an early nineties action flick this afternoon - Steven Seagal's Hard to Kill.

Holy crap.

I don't remember it being this awful when I saw it a decade and a half ago. My favorite moment? While Seagal is recovering from his wounds, he connects the dots and realizes the corrupt Senator Trent is responsible for his family's murder after hearing the senator's campaign slogan "You can take that to the bank!" on the television set. Seagal's reaction?

"I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent - to the blood bank!"

That's just awesomely bad, friends.

Good ol' Seagal. May he rest in peace.

June 04, 2006

Holy crap! Am I dying or something?

I received a bit of shocking news this past Saturday night. During the weigh-in ceremony for this summer's fantastic "Biggest Loser" competition, I was surprised when the scale revealed my official weight to be 219 lbs. As many people are prone to do, I made a New Year's resolution last New Year to get back in the Bally's habit - and, as many people are prone to do, I made it happen for all of a month. Point is, the scale at Bally's had me averaging about 10-15 pounds higher than what my official weigh-in on Saturday did. Similarly, the last time I stepped on my dad's scale back home, I was at an even 235.

Hmmm...

Knowing that I've done absolutely nothing that would explain my sudden change in weight these past few months (quite the opposite, actually), I decided I'd better get my own equipment just to be sure. So I picked up a shiny new scale this afternoon and took a look. Guess what? 218.5 pounds!

What's going on here? I know for a fact that my pants certainly aren't getting any looser, and until the competition officially began, I definitely hadn't been eating healthy! Either my few remaining muscles have been replaced with fat cells, both my dad's and Bally's scales were wrong, or I have some sort of disease that's eating me from the inside out.

Personally, I hope it's the second one.

I am so gonna win...

May 30, 2006

t-minus...

Exactly one month from today, I'll be sitting comfortably in a theater, sipping a soft drink, snacking on ridiculously over-priced junk food, and watching the first Superman motion picture in nearly two decades. I'm very excited about that.

I'm such a dork.

May 06, 2006

Cloud City

One of my favorite inventions of all time is the rigid airship. Although the infamous Hindenburg disaster sixty-nine years ago today essentially signalled the end of the industry's commercial practicality, those old black and white early 20th-century images of Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin's products are, in my opinion, awe-inspiring things to behold. They weren't simply the tiny little blimps we're all familiar with that provide aerial footage of athletic competitions while advertising crappy tires or Snoopy's insurance company - they were jaw-dropping monsters of the sky that must have seemed like something out of a science fiction novel. Just imagine looking up in the clouds and seeing something three football fields long just hanging there! Must've been the early 20th-century equivalent of those big-ass alien motherships from Independence Day.

History and hydrogen obviously proved the fatal flaws inherent in the dirigible designs of yesteryear, but I can't help but wonder what it must have been like to be some 1930's high roller shelling out thousands of bucks to hold some sort of business meeting with his rich, fat cat colleagues while hovering in place thousands of feet above King Kong's New York City.

Very cool.

March 15, 2006

Audition, eat crow, go home.

As all of my closest friends can tell you, I'm a HUGE fan of America's favorite popularity contest, American Idol. In fact, Chuck and I were just discussing how much I enjoy the show this afternoon at work. Probably almost as much as HBO's The Wire.

Anyways, I came across this website this afternoon, and I thought I'd pass it along to anyone who cares. Should you feel so inclined, make your contribution to the cause.

Make every vote count!

March 10, 2006

Bearded death

Happy 66th birthday, Chuck Norris.

Word of advice for those who like being alive - don't ever look this man squarely in the eyes. It'll be the last thing you ever see.

March 05, 2006

Double false!

Quick follow-up - not only was Krauthammer wrong about Brokeback Mountain's popularity, he also air-balled on his Best Picture prediction. Crash came out of nowhere to steal the biggest prize of the night.

As a side note, I also got a kick out of Three 6 Mafia's acceptance speech. In it, they thanked Jesus for helping them win the Oscar for Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures. The song? "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp".

February 25, 2006

It's quite slimming, no?

I always preferred the black costume as a kid.

"Something elemental, something terrifying."

Cool.

February 16, 2006

Empire falls

I can't tell if this project is closer in quality to HBO's splendid Rome, or ABC's god-awful Empire. It's encouraging that Rome's Kevin McKidd is part of the cast. That's a good sign, at least.

Either way, I'll go watch it. (Yeah, that's right - no Kong for me, but I'll see this piece of historical butchery. Draw your own conclusions.) I enjoy Roman crap, and the era covered in The Last Legion is one not often dealt with on film, as far as I know. Sounds like they're taking some cool dramatic license with Romulus Augustus' life.

Bring on the barbarians!

February 14, 2006

Coronas and katanas

I had a wonderful evening last night. After meeting Andy and the Buchs' for drinks and dinner at Sol Fire, I "kept it moving" and headed on over to an old-school Riverwest institution - The Polish Falcon. The staff at my former place of employment, Benji's, decided to throw a belated employees' holiday party. Since the folks at Benji's are kind enough to still consider me a part of the club, they sent me an invite. Who am I to refuse a night of free beer and pleasant company?

We had a blast. I actually bowled for the first time in years, and I drank for the first time in minutes. As midnight passed and focusing on the person directly in front of me became difficult, my old co-worker Matt spent a good hour filling me in on the early-17th to late-19th century history of Japanese combat. It was awesome. Matt's knowledge of the period is astounding, and he was more than happy to fill my brain with everything ranging from civil war to the way of the samurai. I don't really remember any of it.

A dozen roses. Er, months.

On this Valentine's Day, I'd like to wish a very special anniversary to...ME!

Exactly one year ago today, two ingenious and stunningly handsome blokes provided a certain Hermann the Malevolent with a public outlet for his daily thoughts and ruminations. Most kind, my good friends.

Happy one-year anniversary, The Ems Dispatch. Bloggin' rocks.

February 09, 2006

Sneak peek

Heeeeeeeeere's Caleb!

Congrats, again, to Darrin and Mindy.

February 03, 2006

A real man honors his debts. Talking dogs? Not so much.

I've watched this about a million times so far, and it's still hilarious. Stewie Griffin is awesome.

(Note - press pause and let the clip load a little bit before playing it. Otherwise, you'll get some lag time. Enjoy.)

"I've got a baaad feeling about this..."

Last season, my two Survivor office pool candidates were eliminated in the first two weeks of competition. Tough break. I'd hoped my players were a little more adept this time around.

Quite frankly, I'm not feeling too confident right about now.

First there's Aras, a yoga instructor. Young, athletic, strong - sounds good, right? Problem is, he's also crazy. I'm not sure what was more painful to watch - three-packs-a-day Shane going through nicotine withdrawal, or Aras gathering his new tribemates around and performing some weird sort of chi ceremony designed to channel mysterious energies into their camp-building activities. Way to blend in with total strangers, dude.

Then there's Courtney, the performance artist. That should say enough in itself. A little quirky, she seemed to be doing ok at first. Then came the dead turtle incident. Finding a rotting sea turtle carcass on the beach, Courtney launched her own little ritual to honor a dead freakin' turtle. She drew a heart around the turtle, placed a rock at the top of it, then went into some awkward speech about mother earth and turtles and nature and some other wacky nonsense. Her teammates kept a nervous distance, and one of them confessed later that she was having a hard time playing along with the absurdity of the moment. Again, way to bond with strangers, girlio.

I was lucky in that neither of my candidates' teams lost the immunity challenge this week. There's four teams to start off the season this time around, and I think I dodged a bullet here. A word of advice to Aras and Courtney - try to keep the crazy to a minimum! My wallet is depending on it!

***Update***
Apparently, the wife of one of my bloggin' buds, Frank, knows one of this year's Survivor contestants. Frank was kind enough to provide a link over here to The Ems Dispatch, so I figured I'd do the same for him. You can read his story here.

February 01, 2006

It's a boy!

Hermann the Malevolent would like to welcome his latest relative into the world. Last night, around 7:30 or so, Caleb Patrick Carratt introduced himself to his proud parents - my cousin, Darrin, and his lovely wife, Mindy.

Congratulations to the new mommy and daddy! Also, congratulations to my Uncle Steve and Aunt Carol on the arrival of their first grandchild! I can't wait to meet the first Hermratt heir!

January 22, 2006

The buck stops here

So I guess The West Wing got cancelled. What a bummer. I like that show. I thought this year would win back some viewers turned off by the crap the writers gave us following Sorkin's departure. Oh well.

January 20, 2006

I think it's the eyes

Today, The Ems Dispatch pays its respects to my all-time dream girl, Audrey Hepburn. On this date in 1993, Hepburn lost her battle with cancer. She was only 63.

Hepburn never looked better than she did in Roman Holiday. In addition to her incredible beauty, Hepburn had a heart of gold. Her work with UNICEF late in her life was indicative of her character, herself a victim of violence and starvation at the hands of the Nazis during her youth.

January 19, 2006

You're still older than me. Ha!

This is my cousin, Jon. It's his birthday today. As this picture clearly demonstrates, Jon would have been a powerful contender during our "most handsome mustache" competition last August.

Happy birthday, dude!

January 17, 2006

Flank 2

After 24 not-so-inadvertently turned into a commercial for the Bush administration's War on Terror policies last year, I had reservations about giving the series another shot. It is, after all, a 24-hour investment of my time. Then I remembered Jack frickin' Bauer is on the show. After stumbling its way through the first half hour or so of the season premiere, 24 finally regained its footing. It's once again the heart-stopping roller coaster ride we became familiar with during the first season.

January 12, 2006

Disorganized Religion

If you thought worshipping a stain on the wall was crazy, you'll love this. Hundreds of pilgrims died while performing the "stoning of the devil" ritual, as waves of people engulfed in religious fervor tripped over each other and crushed those unfortunate souls unable to get out of the way.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Tragedy has struck the event in the past, with similar results. Note to Islam - get a new tradition. Allah doesn't want you dead.

January 11, 2006

Thank You!

Happy International Thank You Day, everybody! I'd like to send my family and friends a very special "thank you" on this wonderful day. Not just your average, everyday "thank you" either - we're talkin' one massive THANK YOU!!!

Again, thank you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you...

January 10, 2006

Blistering barnacles! Tintin's 77!

A very fond birthday wish for one of my dearest childhood heroes - Georges Remi's comic book reporter and adventurer, Tintin. On January 10, 1929, Tintin's first adventure, Tintin in the Land of the Soviets, began what would become a thrilling series of adventures that invited millions of children to hold on tight and come along for the ride. My favorite characters were the bumbling detectives Thomson and Thompson - two unrelated yet identical sleuths who always backed their way into whatever success they achieved.

Remi's classic comic didn't escape its share of controversy, however. Criticism of his stereotypical portrayal of non-European personalities and hints of anti-Semitism in his earlier work prompted slight changes in later releases of the Tintin series.

January 08, 2006

All's fair...

Chuck loaned me his new DVD boxset of one of the funniest "gameshows" you'll ever see - Canada's own Kenny vs. Spenny. The show follows the exploits of two best friends who spend their time engaging in unusual competitions, the loser of which must fulfill a "humiliation" of the victor's choosing. The twist is, while Spenny honorably tries to keep it fair and square, Kenny is always finding some creative new way to cheat.

I've only gotten through about five episodes so far. It's hilarious. My favorite ones so far are "Who can keep a blindfold on the longest?" and "Who can stay awake the longest?"

December 23, 2005

Christmas spirits

One of my favorite beers is Austria's own Trumer Pils. I discovered Trumer Pils at Trocadero awhile back. It was served in these really cool beer glasses. I tried to get the Trocadero staff to sell me a couple, but to no avail.

Yesterday, my friend Chuck gave me a Christmas present - two shiny new Trumer Pils glasses. You're the best, Chuck. Thanks a million. I look forward to enjoying some fine imported Trumer Pils this holiday weekend.

December 21, 2005

Emperor Claus

"Now, young children...you will die. Merry Christmas."

December 16, 2005

John Spencer 1946-2005

Sad news from Hollywood...

John Spencer, who played White House Chief of Staff and grizzled Vietnam veteran Leo McGarry on NBC's The West Wing, died from a heart attack today. He was four days away from his 59th birthday.

I'm gonna miss him on The West Wing. Leo was a remarkably human character, tremendously flawed but with his heart in the right place. Ironically, Leo had a near-fatal heart attack a season or two ago on the show.

I'll be curious to see how The West Wing handles his loss. The Matt Santos/Leo McGarry ticket seemed to be picking up some steam in recent episodes. I wonder if this will have any effect on the fate of Alan Alda's character, Republican presidential candidate Arnold Vinick.

December 15, 2005

MTV + drug dealers + Ferraris = Pure magic

Happy 56th birthday to the coolest cat of the 80's - Don Johnson! Johnson made pastels and no socks the coolest thing around during Miami Vice's heyday.

Last week, one of the channels was running a 24-hour Miami Vice marathon. I had to give it a couple minutes of my time. I wasn't disappointed. How can you top the following dialogue?

Tubbs: "You ever get a standing ovation?"
Crockett: "Not since I got rid of my water bed!"

Totally rad.

December 13, 2005

"Because we live here! Aaaaagh!"

I stumbled on something fantastic over at Team Swap today...

To all you American bad-asses out there - you've talked the talk, but can you walk the walk? It's time to test your mettle. Are you a yellow-bellied Soviet sympathizer, or are you a stone-cold Wolverine patriot? Find out here.

USA! USA! USA!

December 12, 2005

Happy Birthday!

The following people were born on December 12:

1915 - Frank Sinatra
1923 - Bob Barker
1943 - Dickey Betts
1946 - Richard Hermann

Happy birthday, Dad.

December 06, 2005

Wearing out one's welcome

Thought I'd comment on something I found a bit ridiculous.

In Berlin, plans are underway to construct a "Center of Remembrance" for WWII victims. Not the WWII victims you might be thinking of, either - I'm talking about Germans who were expelled from places like Poland following the war.

I don't know if you guys have heard or not, but there were these really nasty guys called "Nazis" that ran roughshod over almost all of Europe around 65 years ago. Although I loves me the Germany, it seems a bit insensitive for the Germans to somehow feel like they were victimized following World War II. World War I, maybe - but not World War II. The above picture was taken in Warsaw after the Germans, realizing the eastern front was lost, razed over 80% of the city to the ground and killed roughly 200,000 Poles before surrendering the city to the Soviets. Gee, I wonder why the Germans got the boot?

Angela Merkel visited new Polish President Lech Kaczynski over the weekend, as tensions over the proposed monument simmered. Merkel supports the controversial project, while Kaczynski feels it's not exactly appropriate for obvious reasons. As the new face of Germany, Merkel hopes to breathe new life into intra-EU relations, and she'd be well-advised to distance herself from something this absurd in the formative stages of her Chancellorship.

December 03, 2005

These colors run

Everything you've heard is true. I surrendered. It's my darkest hour.

December 02, 2005

"Revenge is a dish best served with cold beer."

I'm a little vexed.

As your malevolent Imperator RISK, my heart breaks with the knowledge that, once again, the plebs are restless. How can this be? What is there not to love about Pax Milwaukus? Yes, I rule with an iron fist. Yes, I demand a 25% tithe from your earnings. Yes, I steal your daughters and kill your sons. But do I harm you, per se? You're still breathing, aren't you? Life is tough, folks. Deal with it.

But, if peace must, indeed, once again be abandoned in the hope of a better tomorrow, I shall not back down. My legions are loyal, having been paid handsomely for their services, and are poised to strike should the need arise. Malevolent in name only, I beg you - don't do this! I have no desire to scatter the ashes of my enemies over the Mediterranean yet again. Have I not seen enough blood for one lifetime? How many times must I create a desert and call it peace? How many times must I plunge the dagger into the hearts of our best and brightest minds? Please take a moment to observe the following documented proof of what happens when order succumbs to madness:

As you can clearly see, Lord Buchsunderfoot (right) can only raise his hands to the sky in prayer as his best-laid plans fall harmlessly by the wayside, paving the way for yours truly (left) to once again reclaim my rightful place as Princeps RISKus. Please, good citizens - don't make me do it again. I can promise you - I won't be gentle like before.

Yeah, right. Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!

RISK, anyone?

November 25, 2005

The Curse of the Bambi

Congratulations to my cousin, Jon, who ended his five-year drought this afternoon when he dropped a nice-sized doe with a head shot from 100 yards away. Well done, you manly man.

I got next!

November 22, 2005

Do you know the bishop of York?

On Sunday, I stumbled upon a bottle of port wine my great-grandaunt gave me a while back. Having nothing better to do than watch football all day, I decided to dive in and see what happened. I'd never had port before, so I was rather unfamiliar with its notoriously colossal alcohol content. To be quite honest, my knowledge of any wine is pretty much limited to what I learned from the movie Sideways and the library of information that is Bryan Buchs.

A couple of hours later, the bottle was gone and so was my sobriety. Good God! That stuff kicked my ass! While not exactly the tastiest wine in the world, if your intention is to annihilate yourself in a hurry, I highly recommend the port.

November 18, 2005

Is it June yet?

I just saw the early trailer for Superman Returns last night. If it's any indication of what we can expect next June, I'm totally psyched. Brandon Routh looks great as the Man of Steel.

November 11, 2005

Veterans Day

Big props to all our veterans out there. You guys rock.

November 03, 2005

USA! USA! USA!

From Hermann the Malevolent's "Top Ten Reasons to Watch Tonight's Episode of Smallville":

Reason #1 - Erica Durance. Dancing. Sporting All-American swimwear.

God bless you, Lois Lane. And America.

October 19, 2005

Rogues' Gallery

It's been quite a stroll down memory lane the last couple of days. About a week ago, I got a call from Jooky Vegas himself - Mr. Mark Kuca. Yesterday, I received a totally unexpected e-mail from one Nick Monroe. While returning a couple movies to the Oakland Blockbuster last night, I decided to stop by Benji's Deli and see Mike Price. We had a few drinks, then we had a few more. Remembering it was a weeknight, we responsibly left Benji's no later than half past midnight - and promptly made the decision to stop by Village Pub until bar time. This morning I awoke to one hellacious hangover. I called Chuck and told him I'd be sleeping in today, then rolled over and shut my eyes.

You know what's comin'...

Telephone: Riiiiiiiiiing!

Me: "Hello?"

Caller: "Hey, Les! It's Dave Russell! 'Sup?"

That's right, folks. Rogues' Gallery - every single one of 'em. Hell, I haven't been in touch with Nick for years! Same with Dave - it's been ages. Yet, for whatever reason, there they all were in some form or another. Weird stuff. Great to hear from all of them.

Vintage Six.

Does it come in black?

This is some pretty slick new technology being developed by the military. It's called aluminum oxynitride - essentially transparent aluminum. That may sound familiar to some of my fellow geeks out there. It's from Star Trek IV.

Doesn't the above vehicle kinda remind you of the new Batmobile? Way cool!

October 17, 2005

"It must not speak. It must die."

As I'm sure The Chuck will attest, HBO's Rome is freakin' awesome. This week, we finally meet Cleopatra. Lyndsey Marshal brings a unique and refreshing take on a character that's been rehashed countless times over the years. James Purefoy's Mark Antony has a magnificent vicious streak in him that always seems like it's just about ready to explode. Fantastic.

October 11, 2005

Duck and Cover

A rather grim "anniversary" of sorts today. On this date in 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt received a letter of critical historical significance, signed by one Albert Einstein. This letter provided details about a deadly new kind of energy being developed by the Nazis for military purposes. Roosevelt responded to Einstein's warning by throwing his whole-hearted support behind Anglo/American/Canadian research efforts on the subject - a sweeping experiment known as the Manhattan Project.

October 08, 2005

Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side!

Another game, another bloodbath. Violently flaunting my evil magical powers (pictured above) as I rolled the red bones of destruction, I spectacularly unleashed a RISK record 137 consecutive 6's last night. It's true - just ask Dan.

Some called it luck. They couldn't have been more mistaken - or dead.

Kneel before Mr. RISK.

October 06, 2005

Ein Volk

In 1983, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October 6 as "German-American Day". Officially instituted in 1987, the day has become a regularly celebrated annual occurrence.

So, whether your family lays claim to Teutonic stock or not, Happy German-American Day, folks. Go ahead and pour yourself an ice cold glass of Warsteiner, suck down some potato soup, and go file for unemployment.

September 30, 2005

A Brewer's Dozen

September 30, 2005, 9:42 pm, CST.

That's when twelve years - twelve years! - of futility finally came to an end. The Milwaukee Brewers beat the Pittsburgh Pirates 6-5 tonight to guarantee themselves at least a .500 record, giving long-suffering Crew fans a welcome bit of respite from the seemingly endless string of losing seasons that has haunted this city for well over a decade.

It was great to see the Brewers' bench completely empty in the closing moments of the game, with players and coaches alike lining the dugout fence in anticipation as Turnbow the Kid calmly slammed the door on the Pirates, earning his 39th save in the process.

Good job, Brew Crew. Now if you'd be so kind as to give us the old uniforms back, we just might forgive you for the tragedy that has been the last twelve years.

September 29, 2005

They chose love

This topic's already been covered here and here, so I'll keep it short 'n sweet.

Congratulations, Bryan and Judy. You're the best.

September 27, 2005

If you don't know him by now...

For those who aren't yet familiar with him, this is Ricky Gervais. Ricky is one of the funniest British imports you'll ever see. Already incredibly popular from his stint as the offensive yet oddly likable "David Brent" on the BBC's short-lived hit sitcom, The Office, Ricky now lends his talents to the new HBO/BBC joint venture, Extras.

If you're not easily offended by hilarious examples of social awkwardness, I highly recommend checking out Extras sometime.

Welcome back, Ricky.

September 22, 2005

What the...?!?

Goodbye, Morgan. Way to represent.

We're only two weeks in, and both of my Survivor office pool contestants are already history.

Well, that was fun. What's next?

September 21, 2005

Imagine

Happy International Day of Peace, everybody.

September 19, 2005

CCXXVII

September 17, 2005

Niobe

From "Hermann the Malevolent's 101 Reasons to Watch HBO's Rome":

Reason #57 - Indira Varma. Mix a little Swiss and a little Indian, and you've got yourself one helluva knockout.

September 16, 2005

Damn it, Jim!

My first of two Survivor office pool candidates got booted last night. Retired firefighter Jim Lynch, 63, snapped his biceps pulling on a rope. Good job, Jim.

So now I'm down to one. Go Morgan!

September 10, 2005

A different kind of company...

Big thanks to the good folks at Saturn of Rockford. They essentially overhauled my car this past week. The extended warranty is a wonderful thing - I highly recommend it.

August 31, 2005

Exodus

It's a little surreal watching the Hurricane Katrina coverage. The absolute chaos on full display right now is staggering. I've even heard several folks on the news speculate that New Orleans may, in fact, be lost. New Orleans! It's way too early, of course, to know the full extent of the damage that's been done - and will continue to be done - but seeing these unbelievable images on the television really makes you wonder...

August 29, 2005

Roll the bones

We had our fantasy football draft this afternoon. I'm very excited about the 2005 edition of Hermann's Head. They're a scrappy bunch of chaps. Dangerous, some say. Underhanded? Perhaps.

Go Head!

August 12, 2005

With friends like these...

A few months ago, my co-workers and I had a little fun at Chuck's expense. In hindsight, it was probably a poorly timed gag, but I figure enough time has passed to re-visit the experience.

Here's what happened - Lance, The Other Dan, and myself decided to find a practical use for some excess cardboard laying around the office. While Chuck was away fulfilling his civic duty as a juror, we thought it'd be cute if we "gift wrapped" his office for him. Well, some things look better on paper than they do in real life. Needless to say, The Chuck wasn't too happy.

But c'mon. Look at that picture. How ridiculous is that?

We love you, Chuck.

August 11, 2005

Return of the King

After an unfortunate turn of events resulted in the disappointing eviction of vastly entertaining Big Brother 6 houseguest Kaysar Ridha last week, a cool twist to the game allowed America to vote one of the evicted contestants back onto the show. By a whopping 82% - 82%! - King Kaysar earned his way back into the house.

Go stir some s**t up, Kaysar. You da man.

He is a real American

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Hulkster,
Happy birthday to you!

Say, that's an attractive mustache.

Hmmm...

August 10, 2005

"Never shoot twice."

Awwwwwww yeeeeeeah!

Just came across an old Ems Dispatch favorite while channel surfing this evening - Red Dawn.

Ah, good ol' Reagan-era Cold War paranoia. Those were the days, weren't they? Nuclear winter and the godless Commies. Any second, a Russian could fall from the sky and start shooting up your school.

Lousy Trotsky-lovers.

August 09, 2005

That's ice cream, right?

Rock legend Jerry Garcia died ten years ago today. Time flies, eh?

Yup, the Grateful Dead. I still don't get it.

August 08, 2005

Nathaniel and Isabel

*** SPOILER ALERT! ***

Don't read this if you're a Six Feet Under fan and aren't completely caught up yet!

So this week's SFU episode was one of the best they've ever had, in my opinion. It was quite moving watching the Fischer clan lay Nate to rest after watching this guy struggle to be a decent man for so many years.

Of particular interest was the timely return of Billy - the perpetually unstable and sometimes terrifying character played by Jeremy Sisto. The nature of Billy's tumultuous relationship with his sister Brenda has been one of the most complex and ambiguous themes in the show's 5-year run, and it's good to see him return as the series comes to an end.

I'm really gonna miss Six Feet Under. Good job, Alan Ball.

August 02, 2005

Back To The Future IV?

Recent research suggests the use of Ecstasy may help Parkinson's sufferers. Apparently, some afflicted mice showed noticeable improvement after being injected with the drug.

How cool is that?!? Here's what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna send Michael J. Fox a telephone number and a copy of Moby's 18. Let's see what happens!

Rollin', rollin', rollin'...

July 31, 2005

Germanfest

My father and I stopped by Germanfest this afternoon. We both expected a day filled with fine German foods, beers, and cultural activities.

Well, two out of three ain't bad - I guess. What the hell is Germanfest without German beer?!? Apparently, Sprecher and Miller took it upon themselves to pressure Germanfest into banning any and all imported German beer sales. Nothing against Sprecher - it's a quality brewery - but c'mon! I wanted some ice cold brews straight out of the Fatherland! Thanks a lot, assholes.

My favorite moment? Read on...

At one of the geneology stands, I got into a long conversation with an elderly German man with a thick accent and a motherlode of historical Prussian information. While he was talking about the unification and resultant military expansion of German territories during the old imperial days, he would occasionally look at me and use a variation of the following phrase:

"These territories, of course, veren't German to begin vith, but you know, you know...(wink wink, smile smile, nudge nudge)"

Hilarious. Nice to see the old spirit of empire is still alive and well in those crazy ol' coots.

July 27, 2005

"I sealed your partner's fate."

Hats off to Big Brother 6 contestant Kaysar Ridha - quite possibly the smartest player in the show's six-year history.

Go get 'em, King Kaysar.

July 21, 2005

The Final Frontier

As a boy, I was a big fan of the old Star Trek ensemble. Sadly, James Doohan, the actor who played the beloved character "Scotty", died yesterday of complications stemming from pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease. He was 85.

What most people don't know about Doohan is that he was, indeed, a real-life hero. As a young lieutenant in the 3rd Canadian Infantry Division, Doohan killed two enemy snipers while leading his unit through a mine field on the beaches of Normandy during D-Day. Later that night, Doohan suffered six hits from a German machine gun, losing a finger in the process. Regardless, Doohan chose to remain in the military.

Rest in peace, Scotty. We'll miss ya'.

July 14, 2005

The Cult of the Offensive

It's a very special day for all of us here at The Ems Dispatch...

Exactly 135 years ago today, an item appeared in newspapers around the world that would forever change the political landscape of Europe. The article detailed a meeting involving French ambassador Count Vincent Benedetti and King Wilhelm of Prussia. The previous day, these two men had met in a beautiful resort town on the River Lahn in western Prussia to negotiate a peaceful solution to a potentially volatile international situation. The issue at hand was an offer made by the provisional Spanish government to Leopold Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen, a German prince. This offer gave Leopold the right to assume the vacant Spanish throne - a state of affairs the French deemed absolutely unacceptable.

Historically, the primary objective of the French, when dealing with the Germanies, was a politically decentralized and geographically fragmented German realm, incapable of westward expansion. Even at the height of the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation, France maintained its officious policy of political manipulation, often at the expense of the German peasantry, and watched with glee as the individual states and principalities within the Empire suffered for centuries in their role as Europe's stomping ground. The bad blood between the two bitter rivals hit its zenith in the early 1800's, when the legendary Napoleon I decisively crushed the thousand-year reign of the old Reich. Desperate to maintain some degree of imperial power, the House of Habsburg permanently relinquished its authority over the northern states and declared the formation of the Austrian Empire, while the humiliated Germans could only watch helplessly as their loose confederation of territories once again unraveled into oblivion.

The emergence of Otto von Bismarck and the Prussian state in the late 1800's signaled the birth of a new era for the Germans. Bismarck was a master political strategist who knew how to exploit an opportunity when he saw one. One such event was the aforementioned Spanish offer of their vacant throne to German prince Leopold - King Wilhelm's cousin, no less - in the summer of 1870. France immediately objected upon hearing the news. A German monarch on two borders was a terrifying prospect for the French, who indignantly demanded an audience with the Prussian king. Wilhelm agreed to the meeting, but was shocked when the exact demands of the French were outlined by their ambassador, Count Benedetti. Not only did the French insist on Leopold's immediate refusal of the Spanish crown, they also demanded an apology and a promise from King Wilhelm that a German would never again accept such an offer. Incensed, Wilhelm cut the meeting short and recorded his account of the proceedings in a telegram to Bismarck.

Ever the opportunist, Bismarck seized his chance to provoke the French into making a fatal decision. After carefully editing Wilhelm's telegram to make the disappointing meeting between Wilhelm and Benedetti sound much more confrontational than it actually was, Bismarck released his more provocative version to the press. It hit newsstands on July 14, 1870 - Bastille Day. Believing the release would have the "effect of waving a red cape in front of the face of the Gallic Bull", Bismarck patiently awaited the French response.

He didn't have to wait long.

The desired effect was instantaneous. Furious at the audacity of the arrogant Prussians, the outraged Napoleon III hastily declared war just five days later. Anticipating a sure victory over what he considered a vastly inferior foe, Napoleon confidently deployed his armies eastward, and the Franco-Prussian War was officially underway.

Unbeknownst to the French, Bismarck had preemptively formed a secret network of alliances between the German states south of his own Prussia, among which the seeds of nationalism had slowly begun to take root. The image of a French aggressor had resurrected bitter memories of the Napoleonic Wars, and one by one the German states fell into step behind Bismarck's leadership. Careful to exclude the Habsburg state of Austria, Otto von Bismarck meticulously set a deadly trap for the invading French, and in doing so built the core of what we now recognize as Germany.

It wasn't even close. The French were obliterated in six months. Napoleon III was captured during the Battle of Sedan, and died in exile less than three years later. France ultimately became a republic, and, excluding Nazi occupation, has remained so ever since. The German Empire was founded in Versailles on January 18, 1871, with Wilhelm declaring himself Kaiser Wilhelm I. Bismarck, of course, became known as the Iron Chancellor, and the rest is history.

All of this from a simple little telegram. The long-term effects of Bismarck's propaganda masterpiece can still be felt to this very day. The military innovations of the Franco-Prussian War marked the early stages of the nightmare that would become modern warfare. Tragically, the unrepentant and heavy-handed German victory resulted in a French desire for vengeance and continental tensions that would explode into two devastating world wars within the next 75 years. However, the industrial proficiency that began during Bismarck's German Empire has maintained itself even now, with Germany holding steady as the 4th largest economy on the planet. France never reinstated a monarchy, and has been a model of free republican government for over a century. After successfully navigating the turbulent waters of the 20th century, France and Germany have ultimately positioned themselves at the head of the burgeoning European Union - the largest economic community in history.

To paraphrase a tired cliche, while sticks and stones may, indeed, break a few bones, words can change the world. At least, a certain telegram about a diplomatic meeting in the little resort town of Bad Ems could - a telegram known for all of time as The Ems Dispatch.

July 12, 2005

Let's get ready to rumble!

Seems the creative teams behind The Simpsons and Family Guy are having it out. Apparently, the Simpsons camp feels Family Guy's lovable idiot patriarch, Peter Griffin, is a blatant rip-off of the reigning cartoon king fool, Homer Simpson.

I disagree. Maybe he would have been a decade ago, but these days the Family Guy characters are brilliantly offensive each and every week, whereas the Simpsons, sadly, haven't had the same socially relevant bite since Conan left.

It's one thing to be a lovable idiot. It's another thing to be a lovable idiot that can make people laugh, make people think, and make people feel insulted - all at the same time.

Winner? Seth MacFarlane.

July 06, 2005

Thug Luv

So Lil' Kim got a lil' over a year of jail time for her role in a shooting case. She's lucky - she could have been hit with 20 years.

Lil' Kim, baby, when you get out, give daddy a call - I miss you already.

June 28, 2005

"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."

Hermann the Malevolent is happy to announce the arrival of his very first goddaughter - Brooklyn Morgan Carratt.

Congratulations to the proud parents - Darrick and Amanda. She's beautiful, guys.

June 24, 2005

So get out your seats and jump around!

Interesting piece of trivia for you today...

On this date in 1374, residents of the Prussian town of Aix-la-Chapelle were stricken by an unusual ailment known as "St. John's Dance". Victims suffered from hallucinations and an involuntary tendency to twitch and jump around until they collapsed from exhaustion.

Awesome! I gotta' get me some o' that!

June 23, 2005

"We can rebuild him."

This technology is awesome! I can't wait until we can set these systems up to remote-controlled, fully-functional cybernetic copies of ourselves sitting at our desks at work. That would be great! We could have a perpetual live feed to a mobile, palm-sized monitor we'd have with us somewhere on the golf course. Anything that requires attention at work? No prob - just turn on the "brain-feed" and have Robo-You get it done!

June 09, 2005

Which way to Hazzard County?

Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke? Ok, if you say so. Works for me. I like Jessica. She seems very nice.

May 19, 2005

The Flying Rodent

I just watched 10 minutes of selected scenes from this summer's much anticipated Batman Begins. It looks extraordinary. I love origin stories, and this one really looks like a winner. Christian Bale seems like the perfect choice to play the Dark Knight.

Can't wait.

May 18, 2005

Why the long face, young Skywalker?

Revenge of the Sith premieres nationwide tonight at midnight. I'm thinking of seeing this one in the theaters. I hear there's some sort of battle.

May 15, 2005

The Smartest Guys in the Room

I went to see the new Enron movie last night with Bryan and Judy. Wow. That Jeffrey Skilling guy is a jerk! The scariest part of the film was the indepth examination of Enron's corporate culture - a win at all cost, show no mercy, personal responsibility be damned, conflict of interest insider tradefest that made up the numbers as they went, with absolutely no regard whatsoever for the naive, trusting shareholders whose lives were on a fast track to financial ruin.

While Ken Lay is probably the name most closely associated with the Enron scandal, it's Skilling who really makes your skin crawl. The guy completely bought into the whole "survival of the fittest" philosophy, and his attitude filtered into the behavior of his traders in a very real way. It was quite shocking to listen to the recorded telephone conversations of several Enron traders laughing amongst themselves and counting their profits while California burned under the intense heat of one of the worst power outages ever. Seriously, these guys are creepy!

May 11, 2005

Let's shake some dust!

Sad news from the entertainment world...

One of my favorite programs, HBO's Carnivale, was cancelled yesterday. The show just couldn't build a following big enough to warrant a third season, and HBO decided to cut it loose. I'm really going to miss Brother Justin Crowe--one of the creepiest villains ever created.

May 09, 2005

Youth Gone Wild

From the "I wish they had that when I was a kid" department...

I saw Playstation 2's Eye Toy in action for the first time while I was visiting my family this past weekend. For those who are unfamiliar with this product, it's essentially a camera that utilizes one's physical movements to create the illusion of interaction with video game characters on the television screen. My cousin's stepchildren demonstrated a couple of the game options for me, and appeared to be having a blast while doing so.

One of the biggest complaints critics of video games have is that they aren't very helpful in encouraging physical activity with children. After watching my cousin's kids work themselves silly last weekend, I gotta' admit--the Eye Toy offers an ingenious solution to that problem! Those kids were jumping, punching, and kicking all over the place--a full-on workout. There's something about seeing themselves on a TV screen that seems to be so appealing to children, and this game really exploits that attraction. Well played, Sony.

Now getting them to settle down when they're done is, I'm sure, an altogether different adventure...

May 06, 2005

Tears of an Angel

How could God let this happen?

Oh, right. It's just a damn stain.

Nevermind.

May 04, 2005

19.5

Quick sidenote to Chuck's thoughts on the latest season of 24...

It took me 19.5 hours into the season to realize what's wrong with 24 this year. There's no Kim!

Let me explain...

Kim provided two vital ingredients to the successful formula of the original 24. To start with, Elisha Cuthbert is smokin' hot in a very Lolita kind of way. Taking her off the show is like taking Daisy Duke off The Dukes of Hazzard. Most importantly, however, is that she provided the perfect outlet for all the really, really bad ideas the 24 writers came up with. If there was ever a bear trap or nuclear fallout shelter or kidnapper to be found, Kim was sure to find it for you. Now they don't have Kim to waste their stupid ideas on, and everybody suffers.

Way to go, 24 writing staff. You blew it.

May 01, 2005

Awwww. How cute!

Exactly nine minutes from now, America's favorite homicidal infant renews his quest for world domination and matricide.

Welcome back, Griffin family. We've missed you.

April 29, 2005

British Invasion

A few months ago, Chuck gave me a copy of Keane's latest effort, Hopes and Fears. It's become a favorite in my CD rotation at work. Last night, Keane made an appearance on The Tonight Show, where they performed their smash hit single, Everybody's Changing. Their music is good enough on its own, but until you see them perform their stuff live, you can't really appreciate how passionate this band really is.

While their guitar-free, piano-driven sound provides the kind of unique brand of pop music made popular by Coldplay, it's the pleading, gut-wrenching voice of lead singer Tom Chaplin (pictured, far left) that absolutely blows you away. I love 3-man rock bands, and let me tell you--these guys are freakin' awesome! I can't wait to see them live at the Rave on May 18th.

April 22, 2005

Superman

Thoughts?

April 19, 2005

Heiliges Romisches Reich

Hmmm. A German Pope. Interesting.

Seems the two mixed together can be a little unstable. On Christmas Day, in the year 800, Pope Leo III placed a crown atop the head of Charlemagne, King of the Franks. With all due respect to Otto the Great, many historians consider this event the birth of the first Reich--an unholy alliance between church and state that ruled over Europe for a thousand years.

Let's hope Pope Benedict XVI isn't as spooky as he seems to be. Pope John Paul II did wonders for his homeland of Poland, and Germany could sure use as much help from former Hitler Youth member Joseph Ratzinger as possible. Unemployment is skyrocketing out of control over there right now. Any contributions from the Vatican would, I'm sure, be greatly appreciated. (In all fairness to His Holiness, membership in the Hitler Youth was mandatory. I just get a kick out of the irony.)

I must say I'm a little disappointed none of the cardinals wrote me in. I would have been a great Pope. Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to keep persevering until, someday, I become Emperor Hermann the Malevolent I, Lord of the Universe, Protector of the Young, Ruler of All He Surveys.

Until then, enjoy Pope Sandman.

April 18, 2005

Up, up, and away.

Pics like this make me happy. I'm feeling really good about Superman Returns. So far, so good.

Don't mess it up.

Here's another one.

April 15, 2005

He goeth to 11.

Do I really have to say anything here?

Sell! Sell! Sell!

The stock market lost over 400 points in the last three days. I guess I picked the wrong week to dump my life savings into retail and technology stocks.

Er, no I didn't. That would have been stupid.

April 12, 2005

Aqualung

Just wanted to offer a quick word of support for my courageous co-worker, The Other Dan, who has decided to become the latest member of the "Nicotine is my Bitch" club. Good luck, The Other Dan. Just get through these first couple of weeks and you're home free.

You're the Man.

April 07, 2005

Sonntag East of the Rhine

Sunday, April 10, promises to be a wonderful day inside the East Side "Center of Power". In anticipation of the fantastic televised afternoon festivities courtesy of the good ol' boys at Augusta National, Bryan and I will be sampling the acclaimed Viennese Sunday Brunch at Mader's German Restaurant in downtown Milwaukee late this Sunday morning. I was fortunate enough to enjoy the wonderful assortment of foodstuffs at Mader's earlier this year with mein Vater, and am looking forward to sharing the experience with Herr Buchs, the self-proclaimed Kaiser of Brunch. Naturally, friends, loved ones, and significant others are encouraged to attend, as Bryan and I properly prepare ourselves for a tradition unlike any other with good company, fine dining, and quality biers imported straight from the Fatherland. While I honestly can't wait to plant myself on a barstool where the east side meets and enjoy the final round of the Masters on HDTV, I am equally excited at the prospect of drowning myself in mead and devolving into noble barbarian savagery.

Mader's Sunday brunch begins at 11:00. Bryan and I plan on showing up around 12:00. I shall check the necessity of reservations post haste. A quick glance at the available menu options provides the following insight:

Breakfast/Brunch Items:

• Omelets made to order
• Waffles
• French Toast
• Scrambled Eggs
• Sausage
• Bacon

Brunch Entree Items:

• Bavarian Sauerbraten
• Kassler Rippchen
• Hungarian Beef Goulash
• Bratwurst and Knackwurst
• Carving Station-Chef’s Choice Meat

Other Brunch Selections:

• Pasta Du Jour
• Soup Du Jour
• Mashed Potatoes
• Boiled Potatoes
• Red Cabbage
• Smoked Salmon
• Peel and Eat Shrimp
• International Cheeses
• Fresh Fruits and Vegetables
• Assorted Appetizers
• Assorted Salads
• Assorted Breads
• Assorted Desserts Juice Bar

While this list is far from complete, it nonetheless provides a basic overview of the goodness that awaits the hungry Sunday diner. My favorite dish the last time I enjoyed Mader's brunch was the Chicken Franconia. Although I cannot guarantee it, I am confident that, should it be necessary, a sword fight can be arranged to satiate the bloodlust of any willing participants.

Blood, bier, brats, and bogeys. Could a Sunday get any better? I think not. Come one, come all--unleash your inner Goth.

Then go watch golf.

April 03, 2005

Chicks dig the car.

With all due respect to the late great John Paul II, I'd like to suggest we all move forward and start thinking about the future of the world's major Christian sect. Accordingly, I would like to officially announce my candidacy for the Chair of Saint Peter.

I realize there may be some roadblocks in my campaign. For example, I support birth control, only speak one language fluently, and don't believe homosexuality is an abomination punishable by hellfire. Most importantly, I'm not even Catholic. That might be a problem.

But how hard can it be? I know I could do better than Pope John XII, a guy who once toasted the devil and began centuries of church/state corruption when he awarded Otto the Great the Imperial title of Holy Roman Emperor. How about Pope Stephen VII? He had the corpse of Pope Formosus--his predecessor--exhumed, clad in papal vestments, propped up on a chair, put on trial, and then mutilated and thrown into the River Tiber! Or Pope Pius XII. Remember that guy? He's the one who inexplicably remained silent while 6 million Jews were butchered during the Holocaust.

Not to diminish what Pope John Paul II achieved. There's no denying the positive impact the Pope had on millions of people, both politically and personally. As the continuous media cycle has reminded us in the last couple of days, Pope John Paul II probably deserves as much credit as Reagan for toppling the Soviet Union. His selfless work for peace speaks for itself, and stories of his compassion during the second World War are the stuff of legend.

I'm just sayin'...

Let's face it--John Paul II notwithstanding, the standard set by the Popes throughout history is pretty low. I think I could pull it off. C'mon. I look damned good in white! There's got to be some sort of loophole to get me into the conclave next week. Seriously, Catholic folks! You want to bring the church into the 21st century? Vote Hermann the Malevolent! Sick of Friday fish fries during Lent? Vote Hermann! Ladies, don't feel like having 18 children? Vote Hermann! Want your local priests to stop leering at your sons? Vote Hermann! Hate Latin? Hermann's your man!

"His Malevolence, Pope Hermann the Innocent I". Has a nice ring to it, if you ask me.

March 24, 2005

Are you gonna' finish that?

I noticed I'm getting pretty fat. My clothes haven't been too cooperative when I try to buckle/button them lately. It all started when I got the desk job late last summer, and has accelerated since I quit smoking on New Year's Eve. It's a tradeoff, of course, but seriously folks. It's gettin' ugly.

To make matters worse, the pool area in our Bally's gym out here in Brookfield has been closed for repairs the last couple of weeks. I have a lousy right knee, so I can't really jog anymore. I stopped out there last week to try to stop the ever-expanding gut by swimming some laps, but was disappointed to see the construction work being done. Hurry up with that please, folks.

Anyways, I'll catch up with you all later. I'm hungry.

March 20, 2005

Whatever we are.

Don't know if any of you caught the post-game press conference segment with Boston College forward Jared Dudley or not, so I thought I'd share this with you. Dudley had this to say about his team's stunning loss to the Panthers yesterday:

"I thought we were going to win the ballgame--a four seed playing whatever they were. (We) definitely had high hopes, expectations for us to move on and advance. Uh, but that wasn't the case."

Whatever they were?!? We're the team that just kicked your ass, fool! We're the team you're going to be watching from your couch once the Sweet 16 starts! We're the team that one of the announcers calling the game said has "changed the definition of the word 'intensity'."

That's what we are. Go Panthers.

March 18, 2005

I found Milwaukee a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

An ancient evil returns from the Old World this weekend. Charlemagne, Lord of Darkness, will once again descend upon the city of Lite, with his evil and his lying and his darkness and what not. As your malevo...er...benevolent overlord, I humbly suggest the speedy renewal of our age-old battle of wits and fortune, body language and table talk, drunkeness and bad temperament. Yes, friends, the social wonder that is RISK.

As His Lord and Majesty, Daniel of Buchsunderfoot, is remarkably close to the arrival of an heir, I shall willingly submit to his most excellent judgement as to whether or not such an event is even a realistic possibility. If so, I suggest a location somewhere in the Western Centre of Power, so as to maintain proximity to the lovely Lady Out-to-here. If not, simply let us know when the aforementioned test of psychological warfare would be appropriate, and we shall graciously postpone our activities and await the arrival of Princess Isabella.

Again, I'm your humble servant, good citizens. I'm on your side, and I'm personally rooting for each and every one of you. Chuck is your real enemy. Focus on him.

Not me.

I love you.

March 17, 2005

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...what is that thing?

This unidentified flying object crash landed somewhere in Australia this week. Witnesses said a young child emerged from the wreckage and started juggling cars.

Leprechauns are assholes.

So I woke up a few days ago with a sharp pain in the back of my throat. You know the kind I mean--the ones that hurt when you swallow and portend imminent illness. Hoping to head the virus off at the pass, I stocked up on OJ and meds and have spent the last couple days drowning myself in Vitamin C. Alas, I could not kill the beast. Yesterday, the monster spread to the rest of my noggin, as I spent the day coughing all over my poor co-workers. (Sorry about that, Cara and The Other Dan.)

Ever the gentleman, The Other Dan suggested I spend a quiet evening at the movies and take Thursday off to hasten my recovery. As I proceeded to cough up a lung, I laughed him off, saying it was unlikely I would need to miss any work. I went to the movie, grabbed a bite to eat with Raj and his lovely wife Tora, and headed home to bed.

Then I woke up this morning. I'm not exactly sure what it feels like to get blindsided by a semi, but I'll bet this is pretty close. Swallowing my pride, I called The Other Dan to inform him I would indeed be taking my 2nd sick day in about 5 years. (The salmonella doesn't count. That was a straight up fight for survival.)

Damn it. While I had planned on possibly spending tonight on my back, I assumed it would have been the result of one too many pints of Guinness, not Dayquil. On the bright side, I won't need to down a gallon of alcohol to see green all day. I guess I'll just lay around and watch UWM kick Alabama's ass.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody. Be safe.

March 16, 2005

Der Untergang

I'm going to spend a couple hours down at the Oriental Theatre tonight. They have a free 7 O'clock showing of The Downfall, the chilling, Oscar-nominated film about the final hours of Adolf Hitler.

What makes this film so different from the multitude of other Nazi movies is that this is a German film. The way I understand it, this is really the first time the topic of Hitler has been handled in this manner in Germany. Understandably, Naziism is a taboo topic in Germany today, radical right wing groups notwithstanding. Last year, there was an uproar over a simple wax figure of Hitler being placed in a Berlin museum. Nazi symbols are illegal, and any public reference to the Hitler regime is severely frowned upon.

The controversy surrounding this film is the fact that it gives us Hitler the man, not Hitler the dictator. While we are all accustomed to the archival footage of Hitler spewing his hate rhetoric, this film shows us a terrified, desperate, beaten man who knows he's at the end of the line. The real terror, of course, lies in the fact that it was simply a human being, not a monster, who orchestrated one of the darkest chapters in human history. The question of "How could this happen?" is apparently not addressed directly in the film, but the human portrayal of genuinely evil men forces the audience to contemplate the issue on their own.

I love German history, so this one's going to be tough for me. It's impossible to leaf through German history books without acknowledging the permanent stain left by the Third Reich. I look forward to seeing how the Germans involved with the film approach the subject of their most shameful moment. Should be interesting.

March 14, 2005

A Tip of the Hat

Thought I'd share a fantastic piece of mail I received from my great-grandaunt LaVerne with you. For those friends of mine that I haven't yet told about LaVerne, let me provide a little background.

Last year, I started researching my paternal family tree. A few generations ago, there was an apparent split between certain factions in the family, and my side has somewhat lost contact with their side over the years. Naturally, I figured I might be able to get a little info about them from my grandmother. She seemed to recall that one of our elder relatives, LaVerne, lived somewhere here in Milwaukee, so I did a quick search on google and found her address. (Sidenote--proving that it is indeed a small world after all, it turns out she's lived at The Chuck's old gig, the Plaza Hotel, for years. In fact, when I asked him about her, he actually remembered her!)

Anyways, after finally establishing contact with LaVerne, we've had the opportunity to meet for breakfast a couple times and get to know each other. One of my favorite moments from last year involved a trip to the Lake Mills/Waterloo area with LaVerne to meet some long lost family members. While there, she showed me some of the old Hermann family farm properties, as well as a tiny old German cemetery where some of my ancestors are buried. Good stuff, all around.

A couple weekends ago, my father came into town for a visit. While here, I took him out to have breakfast with LaVerne at the Plaza Hotel cafe. After she met us in the lobby, she introduced me to the desk receptionist before we made our way into the restaurant. Once we were shown to our table, I removed my cap and had a seat. After the waitress left us to ourselves, LaVerne leaned towards me and quietly scolded me for not taking my hat off when she had introduced me to the receptionist. Don't get me wrong--it wasn't meant to be malicious at all. It was a completely sweet, endearing, almost motherly gesture on her part, and I politely apologized to her for my Emily Post faux pas.

So about that piece of mail...

LaVerne has been quite active in religious and public safety events ever since her brother, my great-grandfather Henry, was killed by a drunk driver way back in 1957. Since we met, she's taken it upon herself to mail me invitations to said events as often as possible. (By the way, my favorite one so far was a Catholic singles function called "Eat, Drink, and Be Catholic". Hilarious.) The most recent invitation was for a religious St. Patrick's Day event, and the brochure she mailed to me had a hand-written note attached to it that I thought was absolutely priceless. It read:

"Hi, Les. Leave your cap/hat in the car so you won't need to remove it!!! See you on 3/17. It'll be fun!! LaVerne."

Ladies and gentlemen, our elders rock. They absolutely freakin' rock. Cherish 'em while you got 'em.

March 12, 2005

I laid all them busters down, I let my gat explode.

In an effort to re-establish the dominance of the real Center of Power, Mr. Bryan Buchs and myself embarked on a mission from God last Friday night to reclaim the coveted Wisconsin Poker Tour title. Last month, cosmopolitan playboy Charles Rozewicz shocked the world with an impressive display of poker savvy, winning the first of what may very likely be many Wi.P.T. championships.

This month, the great Rozewicz made a pilgrimage to the Old Country, presenting us East Side loyalists with a glaring opportunity at redemption. Although Rozewicz's imposing presence could still be felt in