September 11, 2007

Risky Business

In a move certain to cost me everything, I'm pullin' a Buchs, folks.

It's over!

September 06, 2007

The Dark Lord of the Sith

This guy's simply incredible. After once again disposing of the best America has to offer, Darth Federer continued his awe-inspiring quest toward cementing his name as the greatest player in the history of men's tennis.

Can't we make all the courts out of clay or something?

May 06, 2007

The Second Coming

In the summer of 1989, just as I was about to begin the 10th grade, I moved in with my father. My old man's a links nut, and it was all but inevitable that one of the first things my dad would do that summer was introduce me to the wonderful experience that is golf. While I think I've unfortunately only improved my game by maybe two or three strokes since then, it's still a thrill whenever I can add a new trinket to the golf collection. Ever since I started hackin' away nearly two decades (!) ago, it's been a dream of mine to own a quality set of Ping irons.

Last Thursday, I finally put the wheels in motion. In just a few short days, my freshly ordered, custom fitted Ping Rapture iron series will arrive at my door. Friends, I'm so excited I could hurl. In a summer that is sure to entail more weekend rounds of golf than I ever thought I'd see - thanks to the genius of one Bryan Buchs - I'm confident these new swords of steel will help shave at least a half a stroke off my yearly average.

See you on the 1st tee, y'all.

February 02, 2007

This one's for Brett.

Brett Favre. The guy just loves playing the game. He's like a kid out there. You gotta rough him up a little just to get him involved. Everybody loves him.

Yada yada yada. Looks like we've got at least one more year to listen to these same ol' lines.

AWESOME.

July 08, 2006

Nadal vs. Federer

Modern men's tennis doesn't get any better than this, folks. Grass court specialist and defending Wimbledon champ Roger Federer takes on his emerging nemesis, clay court magician Rafael Nadal, in tomorrow's championship showdown. Federer is generally recogized as the best in the biz, but the pesky Spaniard has owned the world's number one player this year, handing Federer his only four losses - all in finals. Nadal's success on the grass courts of Wimbledon this year has been rather unexpected, but it's also been welcome for tennis fans longing for the Federer/Nadal rivalry to take its place alongside the likes of Agassi/Sampras and Connors/Borg.

Great stuff. The King of Clay vs. the King of Grass in a rematch of this year's French Open.

June 14, 2006

Uber alles!

Gotta feel for those Poles. The hits just keep on coming...

March 16, 2006

FeS2

Congratulations to the Marquette Golden Eagles on their stellar 2005-06 season. Marquette finished the regular season with a 20-10 mark to earn the #7 seed in their division in this year's NCAA Tournament.

But that's all over now. I'll be thinking of them as I watch Milwaukee's real home team, the UWM Panthers, face off against Florida in the second round. Actually, I probably won't be thinking of them at all.

Hey, maybe one of these days Marquette will drop the holier-than-thou attitude and agree to play the Panthers! No? Didn't think so.

Go Panthers!

March 04, 2006

Deja vu all over again

It's 3:00, Saturday afternoon, and Tiger Woods is tied with Mickelson, Toms, Villegas, and Beem to start the back nine at the Ford Championship.

Golf rocks.

This sounds so familiar...

February 23, 2006

What do Patrick Ewing, Dan Marino, Barry Bonds, and Sasha Cohen all have in common?

How lame. I gave you a chance, figure skating. You're dead to me.

Anyhoo - when do the NBA Playoffs start?

February 22, 2006

When Hell freezes over

The above picture is Emily Hughes performing a death drop last night at the 2006 Winter Olympic Games. Less than two weeks ago, she was back home watching the Olympic opening ceremonies on television with her family. Deflecting media questions about her apparent snub by Team USA in favor of the injured Michelle Kwan, Emily graciously slid into her role as an Olympic alternate. A relatively inexperienced international competitor, Hughes' biggest accomplishment so far in her career has been winning the bronze in this year's United States Figure Skating Championships. Last year, she finished 6th among the American women. Hardly a threat to perform anywhere near the level of her decorated older sister, Hughes was brushed aside in favor of the more-recognizable Kwan.

After Kwan withdrew, Hughes was rushed over to Torino to fill her spot. With a field rich in both American and international talent, Hughes' chances of performing well have pretty much been dismissed by all the so-called experts. Few give her even the slightest chance of breaking the top ten, and a medal seems impossible with the likes of Cohen, Slutskaya, and Meissner in the mix.

Here's the standings after one of two programs:

1. Sasha Cohen
2. Irina Slutskaya
3. Shizuka Arakawa
4. Fumie Suguri
5. Kimmie Meissner
6. Elene Gedevanishvili
7. Emily Hughes
8. Miko Ando
9. Joannie Rochette
10. Sarah Meier
11. Carolina Kostner
12. Susanna Poykio
13. Elena Liashenko
14. Mira Leung
15. Yan Liu
16. Julia Sebestyen
17. Idora Hegel
18. Elena Sokolova
19. Viktoria Pavuk
20. Kiira Korpi
21. Fleur Maxwell
22. Tugba Karademir
23. Silvia Fontana
24. Galina Efremenko
25. Joanne Carter
26. Roxana Luca
27. Yong Suk Kim
28. Elena Glebova
29. Anastasia Gimazetdinova

Yeah, that's right. 7th out of 29. In golf, they call that the front page of the leader board. In 2002, Emily's sister Sarah struck gold after entering the free skate in 4th place. Granted, the short program is apparently Hughes' best event, but hey - 22 other skaters can only wish they held the position she does right now. Realistically, the free skate will most likely be a bridge too far for young Hughes, but she's gotta love the fact that she's at least given herself a chance for one Hail Mary play.

Not bad for someone who was supposed to be home on the couch right now.

February 21, 2006

Golden opportunity

At the risk of losing all credibility with the Y chromosome club, I'd like to discuss one of those faux sports on display over in Torino right now - figure skating. I'm one of those people who thinks the attraction of the Olympic Games is the storylines and subplots of the individual athletes involved, not so much the actual events. I mean, c'mon - curling? Please. I could curl. Truth be told, I don't really find myself too excited about any of the actual sports themselves, unless I'm nursing a fat hangover. Speed skating is kinda cool, I guess, and downhill skiing was supposed to be fun for the American team this year, until Bode Miller did his best to make sure we never root for him again. The luge and the bobsled events look like they're a blast, but are those guys really athletes? Seriously, did you see Georg Hackl's love handles?

And don't even get me started on hockey. Yeah, the Miracle on Ice was pretty cool, but again, it was a great story.

So that brings us to figure skating, the event that pretty much defines the Winter Olympic Games, for better or for worse. While I can name maybe three figure skaters who aren't called Katarina Witt, I think most of us knew at least a little bit about the Michelle Kwan saga going into these games. There's something appealing to any sports fan about an "aging" legend chasing one last shot at glory, and Kwan's withdrawal pretty much sucked all the drama out of the American figure skating story.

Enter Emily Hughes.

Known primarily as 2002 Olympic gold medalist Sarah Hughes' little sister, Kwan's absence provided Emily with the opportunity most Olympics enthusiasts thought she righfully deserved in the first place. Hughes is admittedly a long shot to finish anywhere even remotely close to the medal stand, but who don't like a good Cinderella story? Her older sister shocked the Olympic world four years ago with her improbable performance to seal the gold medal for the United States, so who's to say Hughes the Younger can't start building her own legend with a decent performance in the 2006 Games? She's got one helluva long shadow to crawl out from under, but hey - that's the beauty of competition, right? Even in a "sport" criticized for being more flash than substance, the fact remains these skaters are, at their core, tremendously gifted athletes who must step up to the plate when their number is called. Hughes, who just turned 17 a few weeks ago, has a chance to create something of an Olympic family dynasty when she makes her debut tonight. With all due respect to Lindsey Kildow, I'm hungry for these Olympics to generate something buzzworthy, and if it takes a ladies' figure skating all-American underdog girl to do so, then I'm all for it.

No, seriously - I'm a dude. Promise.

Go Emily.

February 17, 2006

Are there wooded areas in Detroit?

Mrs. Jooky Vegas sent me an e-mail today. It included a few pictures of how she and Mark spent their Super Bowl Sunday. I've put one up for you.

Rebecca's a Pittsburgh native and lifelong Steeler fan. Not only did she and the Jookster attend Super Bowl XL, they were also in Denver two weeks earlier to see her beloved Steelers dismantle the Broncos.

It's good to be the king. And the queen. Must've been a dream come true for any football fan.

February 11, 2006

Couch good. Walking bad.

As I lie here this afternoon, recovering from an evening full of poker and Spotted Cow, I find myself actually enjoying these 2006 Winter Olympics. I've never been a big fan of the Games, but there's just something kinda soothing about the monotony of televised competitive cross-country skiing. Georg Hettich from Germany just beat Austrian Felix Gottwald to win the Nordic Combined-Individual event. Hettich pulled away from Gottwald as they neared the finish, meaning the only remaining drama was for the Bronze. Norwegian countrymen Magnus Moan and Petter Tande raced to a photo finish, with Moan earning the last medal by about an inch. Well done, Magnus.

Ahhhh. Good ol' non-stop weird sports. Maybe it's just the hangover talking, but I could get used to this. Every four years, eh?

February 03, 2006

Who am I trying to fool?

I'm sorry - I just can't do it. As much as I've tried to convince myself to root for those Seattle Seahawks - great humanitarians that they are - you just can't top this.

Thanks, Big Andy G, for helping me clear my head. Let's hope the curse of the Dispatch takes a holiday.

Go Steelers!

January 27, 2006

The gory days

Much to the delight of my sadistic friends, yours truly was once again introduced to the all-too-familiar pain that plagued long-suffering Denver fans for years. Thoroughly obliterated by the Pittsburgh Steelers in last week's AFC title game, Hermann the Malevolent could only sit helplessly and watch as his beloved Broncos went down in flames on the second-to-largest stage the NFL has to offer.

Woe is me.

Leafing through a copy of the latest Onion, I stumbled upon a piece entitled "Seven of the Greatest Super Bowl Highlight Films". Super Bowl XII happened to be one of them. I thought I'd share it with all you haters out there in its entirety. Enjoy.

Super Bowl XII
(Dallas 27, Denver 10)
Proof once again that the worst games can make the best films, this Dallas Cowboy blowout of the Denver Broncos (title: "Doomsday in The Dome") is noteworthy for its focus on the fans, at a time when a team's diehards could actually attend a Super Bowl. Of special note are the Bronco rooters, who seem to be disproportionately female, middle-aged, Farrah-haired, and decked out in tight orange T-shirts. NFL Films pulls one of its common tricks with non-competitive games, jumbling the action non-chronologically so that the few Bronco successes look roughly even to those of the dominating Cowboys. Equally notable is the synth-heavy score, which culminates in an oft-imitated slow-motion replay set to Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells".
Memorable John Facenda narration: "It was fiercely fought...but fatally flawed."

Yeah. Just like Jake Plummer.

Is there a street named "Hasselbeck Way"? I didn't think so.

In the above picture, Seattle coach Mike Holmgren whispers into quarterback Matt Hasselbeck's ear, "Hey, Matt - Brett Favre would have completed that pass in last year's playoffs. You, sir, are no Brett Favre!"

As Hasselbeck silently wept, Holmgren started placing bets with members of his coaching staff.

"I've got $50 that says Matt costs us the Super Bowl! Any takers? Anyone?" bellowed Holmgren.

What a terrible, terrible person. Poor Matt.

"Hero" is spelled S-H-A-U-N

Here at The Ems Dispatch, we love generous people who try to make a noticeable difference in the lives of others. The Seattle Seahawks' Shaun Alexander (pictured above with his precious daughter Heaven Nashay) is a consummate family man who loves his wife and cares about our nation's youth. Ever the community pillar, Shaun gladly donates his name and resources to the Shaun Alexander Foundation. The Shaun Alexander Foundation utilizes programs and activities designed to teach leadership skills to youngsters in desperate need of strong male role models in their lives.

You're a real standup guy, Seattle running back Shaun Alexander.

January 25, 2006

6-3 2-6 6-4

...and here.

Dammit.

January 23, 2006

Who don't like a good comeback story?

As demonstrated here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, The Ems Dispatch seems to have developed its own little "curse", if you will. If this article has any sort of freakish effect on Martina Hingis' Australian Open quarterfinals performance, I apologize in advance.

That said...

Hingis' run at this season's first Grand Slam event is exciting stuff to watch. Just 25 years old, injuries have kept the Swiss Miss sidelined for the better part of the last three years. In fact, many experts - indeed, Martina herself - thought Hingis' brilliant yet brief career was all but finished. After finishing off Aussie Samantha Stosur, Hingis finds herself back in the quarterfinals of a major tournament. Pretty cool.

Go Martina! And, again, sorry in advance if, you know...

January 22, 2006

Um...

Ouch.

January 21, 2006

Insane in the membrane

I really used to get into tennis hardcore during my teens and early 20's. I haven't been a very diligent fan of the sport in recent years, although I try to check out the Grand Slam finals whenever I can. As I sat at home tonight, eagerly awaiting tomorrow's Broncos/Steelers matchup, I figured I'd give the Australian Open a little bit of my time.

Holy Baghdatis!

I don't know if it's always like this when he plays, but Cyprus' Marcos Baghdatis is a freakin' thrill to watch! Why? His fans are crazy! It's like watching European soccer! After every single point, his loyal legions engage in a raucous yet organized chant that FA Premier League fans would be proud of. In fact, after his last match, Baghdatis had to ask his peeps to tone it down a notch. Tonight's contingent apparently isn't even close to his normal mob.

Tennis needs this kind of stuff. With improvements in technology taking some of the action out of men's tennis in the modern era, fan involvement like this brings some much-needed energy back to the sport. I love it. As of right now, Baghdatis is up 6-4, 0-5 against the #2-seed, Andy Roddick. Good stuff.

Plus, Sharapova's playing later. She's hot.

January 15, 2006

The Rodney Dangerfield of the 2005 playoffs

This comes courtesy of ESPN.com.

I'll concede - the Broncos backed their way into the AFC Championship game. Plummer wasn't spectacular, and Pat Bowlen had the refs in his pocket. On top of that, Pittsburgh and Indianapolis are both great teams.

But c'mon.

Denver was 13-3! Did they win all those games by accident, too? Puh-leeez!

Go get 'em, Jake.

January 14, 2006

Dirty laundry?

In the National Football League, there's game-changing penalties, then there's what happened to the New England Patriots as the first half came to a close in tonight's playoff matchup in Denver. In what was easily one of the worst calls I've ever seen, New England cornerback Asante Samuel was flagged for pass interference on a play that clearly gave the Broncos just enough momentum to start the defending champs' downward spiral. On the Broncos' next possession, the refs completely missed a false start by the Denver offensive line that would have added an extra five yards to Jason Elam's 50-yard field goal attempt. While most football fans call this kind of activity "bad officiating", those of us in Broncoland have an altogether different name for it - Mile High Magic, baby!

As an added bonus, I get to shred Fred Barnes' 2006 Prediction #10. Let's look back, shall we?

"10. New England Patriots win Super Bowl."

Sorry, Fred. The Pats are dead.

Fred Barnes
Record: 1-1
Winning percentage: 50%

Season Standings
Kondracke 100% 1-0
Barnes 50% 1-1
Krauthammer 0.0% 0-0

January 08, 2006

A Manning among men

Throw the damn towel!

Well into the fourth quarter of today's NFC playoff matchup between Carolina and New York, the Panthers are giving Eli Manning one helluva rude awakening. As I'm writing this, Manning the Younger has a grand total of 90 yards passing with 3 interceptions.

Welcome to the playoffs, kid.

January 02, 2006

Milwaukee annihilates Chicago

In one of the most thorough slaughters you'll ever see, the Milwaukee Bucks completely obliterated the Chicago Bulls tonight. Fans were seen covering their heads in shame as they fled the United Center, angrily overturning cars and burning Scott Skiles in effigy as they stampeded through the streets of Chicago.

Ok, so the Bucks won by a point. What do you want from me, Windy City? You guys had Jordan for a decade and a half. Enjoy the nuclear winter.

December 30, 2005

Clint Sampson

Sad news from Broncoland...

Clint Sampson, one of John Elway's favorite targets early in his career, died in a car crash this week. Sampson, who made #84 cool way before Shannon Sharpe ever did, was only 44.

December 16, 2005

One for the geezers

A week or two ago, I could almost be convinced to root for the Colts in their quest to complete the perfect season. It'd be a great story, an incredible achievement, blah blah blah...

Then I saw this week's Inside the NFL on HBO.

Nick Buoniconti stopped by the studio to talk to the fellas about the Colts, and what he thought their chances of setting the record were. Buoniconti was honest - he said he thinks they're gonna do it. Fair enough.

Then, as the show's closing credits started rolling, Buoniconti starts the "Let me tell you guys about my '72 Dolphins" routine. One by one, Costas and company leave the table and let the old guy ramble on and on about the glory days. Although most likely scripted, it was hilarious. Screw the Colts. The '72 Dolphins rock.

November 28, 2005

21 shots?

Happy 21st birthday to our #1 draft pick, Andrew Bogut. The kid's a monster.

November 25, 2005

Great Dayne

Happy Holidays to the University of Wisconsin's very own Ron Dayne, who heroically propelled the Denver Broncos to a dramatic overtime victory over the resurgent Dallas Cowboys yesterday. Dayne contributed 98 yards and a touchdown in Tatum Bell's absence, capping his day with a 55-yard scamper to set up Jason Elam's game-winning field goal in Thursday's Thanksgiving classic. Thanks in no small part to Dayne's performance, the Broncos now find themselves sittin' pretty with an impressive 9-2 mark.

The Indianapolis Colts are going 17-1. Mile high, baby!

November 13, 2005

Latino Cold

WWE superstar Eddie Guerrero was found dead in his hotel room over the weekend. What a bummer. I used to get a kick out of his "Latino Heeeeeeeet!" shtick when we watched wrestling back at the Six.

Mo Money

Mo Williams got to play the role of hero tonight, draining a dramatic three-pointer as time expired to beat the Pacers, simultaneously causing John McGlocklin's head to explode.

Faaaaantastic! This team is krunk!

Go Bucks.

November 10, 2005

The Return of Quitschko

Thanks a lot, chump. Generally recognized in the boxing community as the legitimate world's heavyweight champion, Vitali Klitschko called it quits yesterday, citing an inability to recover from a training injury he received - 9 days ago!

Way to wait and see what happens, paper champion. This is the same guy who, several years ago, decided to throw in the towel in the ninth round of a title fight he was leading on all scorecards because his shoulder hurt. Remember when Ali fought with a broken jaw? Klitschko briefly regained his honor in a bloody loss to former champ Lennox Lewis. I'll concede I don't know the specifics of his leg injury, but to hang it up 9 days after getting hurt seems, well, pretty lame.

Nothing beats the drama of a good old fashioned heavyweight title fight. Too bad all the heavyweights these days are a bunch of bums.

November 09, 2005

81-1?

Well, Baron Davis and the Warriors ended the Bucks' bid for a perfect season last night. What a bummer. Oh well.

Go Bucks.

November 06, 2005

A Nightmare on Fourth Street

The Bucks beat a Shaq-less Heat team yesterday to improve their record to 3-0. When asked to comment on the young upstarts from Milwaukee, Shaq replied with the following:

"People shouldn't assume Milwaukee beat us simply because I wasn't on the floor. These guys are the real deal. In fact, I don't know why the NBA doesn't just hand them the tropy right now! Nobody stands a chance against these guys. In fact, sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I keep seeing images of Magloire and Bogut embarrassing my washed-up ass and usually wake up in a cold sweat. I surrender - the Bucks are gods. I humbly kneel and kiss their feet. Go Bucks."

3 down, 79 to go.

November 04, 2005

The Return of the King

Welcome home, Rockin' Robin.

November 02, 2005

Better call FEMA!

NBA Commissioner David Stern has just ordered the mandatory evacuation of the Greater Miami area effective immediately, as Hurricane Redd continued to wreak havoc across the eastern seaboard Wednesday night. Expected to make landfall in Miami sometime this Saturday, Hurricane Redd has already left two of the original thirteen colonies completely devastated in its awesome wake.

2 down, 80 to go. Start making plans for that parade, Big Andy G.

November 01, 2005

If the playoffs started today...

1 down, 81 to go.

October 31, 2005

The best medicine

This was one of the most absurd TV sports moments ever. During Green Bay's potential game-tying drive yesterday, the yahoo pictured above decided to steal the football from Brett Favre. We must have rewound that thing about ten times.

Hilarious. Did the guy kill Green Bay's last-second momentum surge? Maybe, but if your team's gotta lose, at least entertainment like this makes it sting a little less. Well done, crazy dude.

October 29, 2005

The Magnificent Seven

Ok, Packer Country, I'm gonna take advantage of this while I still can before tomorrow's Packers/Bengals showdown...

Denver legend John Elway - who, in case anyone has forgotten, helped end the NFC's Super Bowl domination on January 25, 1998 - trails only some loser named Dan Marino in career passing yardage and attempts.

You still da' man, John.

October 25, 2005

Booooooo!

Yet another reason to hate Chicago...

Some Sox fan apparently got a little physical with Craig Biggio's wife the other day. What a dork.

Second City? Second to last, maybe!

Losers.

October 24, 2005

I'm 6'7''. It's true!

I could have used a few pointers from this guy over the weekend. I'm a pretty tall dude, and the coveted "shotgun" position in Chuck's VW Jetta was an oft-contested event. I did my best, but Dan and Bryan perpetually scorched my pathetic attempts at victory. Heck, on one occasion it was almost like I wasn't even participating.

I suck.

October 13, 2005

MLB Postseason Update

2005 Team Payroll
New York Yankees - $208,306,817.00
Boston Red Sox - $123,505,125.00
Los Angeles Angels - $97,725,322.00
St. Louis Cardinals - $92,106,833.00
Atlanta Braves - $86,457,302.00
Houston Astros - $76,779,000.00
Chicago White Sox - $75,178,000.00
San Diego Padres - $63,290,833.00

Milwaukee Brewers - $39,934,833.00

No point here - just an observation.

Really.

September 25, 2005

Get off our side of the lake!

The state of Wisconsin is a little giddy this morning. Our very own Wisconsin Badgers went Wolverine hunting yesterday and left Camp Randall with some impressive trophy pelts. Scoring the winning touchdown with less than a minute to go in the game, the undefeated Badgers find themselves in a pretty position heading into the heart of the season.

Let's go Red!

September 11, 2005

Those were the days

Today represents a very special anniversary.

I'm speaking, of course, of Pete Rose's record-breaking 4,192nd major league hit. Twenty years ago today, Charlie Hustle wacked Eric Show's pitch straight up the gut in front of an adoring hometown crowd, achieving a lifelong goal by toppling Ty Cobb's seemingly insurmountable record. The ovation that followed was one of the most touching moments in the history of professional sports.

And then, just a few short years later, my childhood idol Pete Rose forever ruined baseball for me.

Way to go, Pete.

August 21, 2005

What a quick release!

Late summer is the most wonderful time of the year. Pre-season scoreboards and fantasy football talk signal the onset of an exciting new NFL season.

Which reminds me - Dan Marino never won a single Super Bowl. Not one. Ever.

August 15, 2005

What will Phil do next?

Congratulations to 2005 PGA Championship winner Phil Mickelson, who birdied the 18th hole to claim his second major title earlier this morning. Phil set up his winning putt by unleashing one of the best clutch chip shots you'll ever see. With his ball buried - almost literally - in the deep rough just off the green, Phil calmly placed his shot within a couple feet of the hole, and that was that.

Good job, two-time major champion Phil Mickelson.

July 16, 2005

Don't boo Monty.

I can't believe I'm saying this - in fact, my fingers are fighting me as I type - but I'm actually kinda' rooting for Colin Montgomerie to finally win his home tournament, the British Open, this year. Nothing against our guy Tiger Woods - it's nice to see he's got his groove back.

But come on! Monty's been pursuing the Claret Jug for years, and it'd be nice to see him avoid the Big Choke this weekend, for once. These British fans have been absolutely fantastic. At this moment, Monty is 2 shots behind Woods after 11 holes of play, and it looks like he just drove left into some trouble.

Git 'er done, you crotchety ol' coot.

July 05, 2005

Probst would've been proud.

Every July 4th weekend, I look forward to spending some time at my Aunt Terry's place, a good-sized chunk of land alongside Turtle Creek in Beloit, Wisconsin. Activities include camping, kayaking, and my personal favorite - Survivor.

Terry and her husband, Gary, invest a lot of time and energy constructing competitions - physical and mental - that test the competitors' wits and stamina. It's all in good fun, of course, with a minimal entry fee of $5.00 just to make it interesting.

This year, with all but one event remaining, I enjoyed a substantial lead in "points". Unfortunately for Yours Truly, the final event consisted of a lengthy obstacle course that culminated with an all-out sprint of roughly 40 yards or so - in the creek! As many of my friends can attest, I've sadly become somewhat of a land-whale in recent months. As expected, I just couldn't maintain full speed for the entire obstacle course. July 4th newcomer Lexi, taking full advantage of her youthful vim and vigor, made up the difference in points by posting an impressive time on the aforementioned obstacle course, meaning I was forced to settle for a close second-place.

Damned love-handles!

Anyways, congratulations Lexi. Well-played. Watch out for a leaner, meaner Hermann the Malevolent next summer!

June 21, 2005

"3...2...1..."

Just wanted to send some belated props to one of the greatest clutch shotmakers in the NBA - Robert "Big Shot Bob" Horry. Horry had over 20 points - including a game-winning three-pointer - in Sunday's dramatic road win over the defending world champion Detroit Pistons. Almost all of Horry's points came in the fourth quarter and overtime.

Way to go, Bob.

June 18, 2005

Partyin' like it's 1959.

Formula One head honcho Bernie Ecclestone had this to say about media sensation Danica Patrick's incredible performance in this year's Indianapolis 500:

"She did a good job, didn't she? Super. Didn't think she'd be able to make it like that. You know, I've got one of these wonderful ideas that women should be all dressed in white like all the other domestic appliances."

Domestic appliances? Yikes!

Go Danica.

June 01, 2005

Playing Hard to Get

Well, she didn't quite give us the storybook finish we were hoping for, but hometown hero Danica Patrick nonetheless put on a fantastic show last Sunday, to say the least. After surviving a couple of potentially race-ending rookie mistakes, Patrick thrilled the 300,000+ on hand at the Indianapolis 500 by actually leading the field with only a few laps to go. Unfortunately for Patrick, she was forced to conserve her fuel, making it impossible to pull out all the stops and sprint to the finish line. Still, Patrick managed an impressive fourth place finish, and made history by becoming the very first woman to ever lead a lap in the Indianapolis 500.

By the way, you know you're doing something right when people start looking for excuses to explain your success. Robby Gordon made a jackass of himself this weekend when he suggested Patrick had an unfair advantage due to her diminutive size. Whatever, dude. If driver size was the real issue, team owners would have been hiring horse jockeys years ago.

Good job, Danica. Way to represent.

May 24, 2005

You go, Girl!

23-year-old rookie racing sensation and fellow Beloit, Wisconsin native Danica Patrick chases history this Sunday at the 89th Indianapolis 500. A favorite here at the office, we were thrilled to see Danica earn the highest starting position for a female driver ever - fourth.

Danica was on Letterman's show last night, and those who are into Indy racing probably know that Letterman is an owner of Patrick's team. For obvious reasons, it was clear that Letterman was trying to get Danica to comment on the significance of her appearance in this weekend's race. Danica probably represents the best chance for a female driver to finally break the gender barrier and ride down victory lane that we've seen in many, many years. To her credit, Danica seemed unwilling to focus too heavily on the gender issue, instead steering the conversation to more technical racing-speak.

That's what's kinda cool about her - she's all business. I'm sure if Danica wins this Sunday's race, we'll see her acknowledge and even embrace the importance of her accomplishment, but for now she's more than happy to keep it in check.

Good luck, Danica. Dust 'em all.

May 20, 2005

Last Lap

Love him, hate him, say what you will about him - this guy was a stone cold killer! Reggie Miller played his last NBA game last night, losing at home to the defending champion Detroit Pistons. The loss marked the end of one of the most thrilling clutch players in the history of the game. Unfortunately for Reggie, he was never quite able to lift his team over the hump and win the ultimate prize - a championship. Reggie was unlucky enough to have had his prime years overlap those of Jordan's Bulls and Shaq's Lakers, and he always came up just a step or two short. Unless, of course, he was terrorizing the New York Knicks - it was always a blast to watch him torture Spike Lee, and yet comforting to watch him fail to attain the crowning NBA achievement. Fittingly, Miller's last shot attempt in the NBA was a three-pointer - which was blocked by Big Ben Wallace.

Peace out, Millertime. I'll miss ya'.

One last thing...

Reggie sucks.

April 26, 2005

The Ming Dynasty

I can't tell you how much I'm rooting for the Shaq/Yao rivalry to take off. The NBA is in desperate need of a good old-fashioned rivalry, and the Shaq/Yao thing never really got going while Shaq was in the West. With the Rockets currently playing like world-beaters, and the Heat playing like, well, the team that currently holds the rights to Shaquille O'Neal, a Rockets/Heat Finals matchup would be spectacular!

I've kinda' lost interest in the NBA these days, but these are the playoffs--an entirely different animal. Come on, Shaq and Yao. Make my June.

April 10, 2005

Mr. Irrelevant

25 minutes. That's how much time it took for Mr. Irrelevant to erase a 4-shot deficit this morning when third round play finally resumed. If history is any indicator of what we'll see in today's final round, I'd like to send Chris DiMarco my early condolences. Poor Chris has had the unfortunate privilege of being paired with the crowd favorite for two consecutive years now.

Wow. 25 minutes. Welcome back, Tiger.

April 09, 2005

Motorcycles, Cocaine, and the World Series

Dig deep enough in the memory vault of any Brewers fan born in the 1970's, and you will find a treasured emotion that has eluded the Milwaukee faithful for years--optimism. Remember when the Brewers rocked? Remember when post-season play wasn't something you read about in books? Remember how much you loved that first Brewers jersey Mom and Dad gave you that was two sizes too big? Remember how pissed you were when Milwaukee upper management crushed those cherished, all too familiar images connecting you to your youth and introduced the horrendous new Brewers emblem that was the sports logo equivalent of typewriter font?

It would be great to have that old glove logo back, wouldn't it? Not only does it recall the glory days of Yount, Thomas, and Coop, it also serves as one of the most identifiable and unique major league baseball logos out there. I would love to see its return, and I am confident there are thousands of others who feel the same.

Our buddy Big Andy G provided the following link to a petition for the return of the coolest logo in baseball. It's quick and it's easy to do--takes less than 30 seconds. If you're interested, please check it out!

http://www.petitiononline.com/brewcrew/petition.html

Juiced

Congratulations to our own Milwaukee Brewers, whose thrilling extra-innings win over the Chicago Cubs last night cemented their position as the only undefeated team in the history of the young 2005 baseball season.

Way to go, boys. Keep it up.

April 05, 2005

Respek

Ok, I finally got hit with Masters fever. The weather out here in Brookfield was absolutely beautiful this afternoon. The right honorable Bryan Buchs was kind enough to join Chuck and I for lunch, and it was sunny enough to enjoy outdoor seating at Louise's. Inevitably, the conversation turned to golf, and my love for the links was officially rekindled for the season.

I read an article called "Mr. Irrelevant?" by Gary Van Sickle on SI.com when we got back from lunch. The piece was about Tiger Woods' so-called slump in the last couple years. Van Sickle wonders openly if this weekend's Masters tournament may already be the pivotal moment in Woods' brilliant career, and feels that Tiger needs this title to maintain his "relevancy" in the golf world. He believes that other golfers are no longer intimidated by him the way they were just 3 years ago.

I don't know about that. Although Tiger wasn't one of my picks in the Scribbler's Masters pool, wasn't it just a few weeks ago that Tiger beat Phil head-to-head in the final round at the Doral Ford Championship? In those last couple holes, Tiger looked like the same guy who put his foot to the throat of every opponent he faced on Sundays past. Phil, on the other hand, looked a little rattled. Was it the looming figure of Tiger that got to him, or did he just pull a classic Mickelson? Maybe a little of both, but I think Tiger can still send a chill down the spine of his opponents, regardless of his recent majors performances.

Guess we'll find out this weekend. Personally, I'm rooting for Tiger to get his groove back, so Phil can provide us with the same kind of agonizing, Buckner-esque late Sunday entertainment he's given us for years.

March 28, 2005

The High Road

In the wake of last week's disappointing losses for UWM and UW, let's all take solace in this wonderful picture from last year's ACC duel between Maryland and Duke. Note the score.

Congrats on fantastic seasons, Panthers and Badgers.